The Reason Why

I know why I have to be reminded that people (one in particular ) care... because people are inconstant.  Every time you get new information about something you compute that information and it can eventually change your mind or opinion of something.  It's the same with feelings only it's more difficult to pin point what causes the change. So that's why. We never know when someone is going to change their minds about you or when their feelings are going to change...

More frustration.

I hate my subconsciousness. It's so contradictory.  Everything I want to believe in the end is shot down.  Like being loved. I have to be constantly reminded because deep down I don't believe I can be loved, at least in the romantic sense. I'm not the kind of girl boys fall in love with.  I'm the kind of girl that guys crush on, date,  then leave behind when they get bored with me. I want to not believe this but in the end it pulls itself back up. I'm annoying,  I know I am.  I'm annoying and clingy, and needy and I want to stop but no matter how hard I try nothing changes.  I'm tired of feeling alone for no reason.  I know I'm loved, I know I'm not alone but deep down part of me doesn't believe that and I hate it.  I just don't know how to change it...it's part of who I am and I'm worried that I won't find anyone who will accept that part of me.

Bogart in my closet.

I had  a nightmare the other night. I was at Hogwarts... they were doing the lesson on bogarts.  You know those things that turn into your worst fear? Well, my turn came so I stepped up expecting a spider or something like that... but instead out comes Trevin and I run up to hug him...he pushes me away and starts yelling about how he told me to leave him alone and that he didn't need me in his life anymore and how I was a mistake and do nothing but cause him problems...and goes on about how I'm too clingy and just continues to put me down...well,  needless to say, I haven't been sleeping well lately... but yeah, hopefully talking about it will help get it out of my system...