Once Again

Once again I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for the love of my life, as well as my family and friends. I wouldn't be here without them. They give me hope, advice, comfort, support, and understanding hearts. I'm so glad to have met these people. They put up with me admirably are are such examples to me in their own way. I love you all so much. Thank you for being in my life.

I'm so empty...I'm in my own bed, yet I'm longing for home. I'm trying to remember the last time I felt like a priority in a relationship and...I draw a blank. Am I always going to feel like everyone's second hand? Their second or last choice? Sometimes I look back and feel like a used doll no one wanted. I don't want to be the result of a lack of better options. I want to be loved for who I am, not who I could be but...is that possible? I can't even love myself how can I expect someone else to love me for myself? So many people have thrown me away and left me behind. I'm so afraid it will happen again soon. People seem to be happier when I'm not there...would it be best if I just stay by myself in my shell? If they really see me will they leave? Sometimes I think I am meant to be alone. I don't know what to do...

Someday

Someday, at least just once I want to be enough. Someday, I'd like to be told I'm okay the way I am, that I don't have to change even though I know I do. I just want to be enough, even though I am a disaster of a person to be around...I want to be accepted as I am...I know it's a lot to ask, and a rather stupid thing to ask but...even just once...just one person who's seen my flaws and still thinks I'm perfect...just once. Please? I just want to be good enough...

Broken, hurt, betrayed

There are times when I completely hate myself. When I'm up all night trying to figure out how I could have fixed things in the past. This is one of those times. Sometimes I try to juggle keeping everyone happy and I fail. I fail at a lot of things. I get obsessive when I find something that makes me happy, I know. I try to not be.  But in the end, I get shut out without so much as a full explanation. I'm bitter, I'll admit it. I'm angry and broken and hurt. I feel betrayed. I asked. I expected honesty. I believed her when she said she wasn't mad at me, when she said everything was fine. I should've known better. Now I'm cut off. I JUST WANTED HONESTY! Why didn't she tell me? I would've fixed what was wrong in a heartbeat. Now I'm left behind again, because I was an idiot. My brother was right. I'm just another dumb blonde hiding behind hair dye. Why does everyone leave? Is it just me as a person? Is that why no one would be my friend when I was little? Am I just a bad person by default? I try so hard to do the right things...can't I do anything right? What's the point? I just want to make people happy...but whenever I do something to make ME happy...I tell a story that happened in a conversation with another person, problem is I only have three people who talk to me. I'm going to come off as obsessive. But I have nothing to talk about so I either tell the story and a person gets mad at me for always talking about the other person or I just don't say anything and the person gets mad at me saying they can't talk to me. What's the point in even trying to make friends when everyone leaves in the end?

One year

People say love is the best feeling in the world. They aren't wrong...but they aren't right either. They are forgetting one crucial detail. Being loved in return.

The funny thing about love is that it's so versatile. It can make you the happiest person alive, or the loneliest, or the saddest. In the past year I've felt all of these so...I am speaking from personal experience. Anyway.

 It's been a year and three days since Trevin and I got together and we've had our fair share of hardships from typical relationship drama, to disapproving parents, but in the end we managed to work things out and came out even stronger each time. I can't tell you how lucky I am to have found someone so caring, protective, kind, supportive, patient, faithful, spiritual, and loving as Trevin, someone who puts up with my emotional wreaks day after day and is willing to do all kinds of research just so he can give me the love and support I need. Someone who still loves me no matter how many mistakes I make, and puts up with my falling apart every time I do something wrong, who puts up with my insecurities and does his best to help me through whatever situation I'm in until I can get back on my own feet again. Sure he can be insensitive,snappy, and conceded  at times but in the end he always comes back and apologizes to me for his mistakes and that's all I can ask for. Everyone has their shortcomings, but I don't think the good Lord could have made a better person for me to love. He's willing to talk me through my moods and hold me while I cry until it passes when he can. I couldn't ask for anyone more perfect for my needs. Despite all our rough patches we've always got through it, and I'm confidant that we will continue to find a way to work through whatever comes our way. I can't wait to see what the next year will bring us.

All things change

A few days ago I took my grandpa in to the hospital so he could talk to the doctor about some things and grandma had me go in with to make sure he remembered everything. While I was there I debated if I should ask the doctor about my depression. After a bit of encouragement from Trevin I decided to ask. It resulted in me getting a prescription right then and there. I've only been on them for a few days but my friends (namely Trevin and Amanda) have seen a huge difference. I'm not really sure what change they see but whatever it is it's nice to see them so...less worried about me. I mean it's nice to have people who worry about you but it's nice that they don't have to.

The Reason Why

I know why I have to be reminded that people (one in particular ) care... because people are inconstant.  Every time you get new information about something you compute that information and it can eventually change your mind or opinion of something.  It's the same with feelings only it's more difficult to pin point what causes the change. So that's why. We never know when someone is going to change their minds about you or when their feelings are going to change...

More frustration.

I hate my subconsciousness. It's so contradictory.  Everything I want to believe in the end is shot down.  Like being loved. I have to be constantly reminded because deep down I don't believe I can be loved, at least in the romantic sense. I'm not the kind of girl boys fall in love with.  I'm the kind of girl that guys crush on, date,  then leave behind when they get bored with me. I want to not believe this but in the end it pulls itself back up. I'm annoying,  I know I am.  I'm annoying and clingy, and needy and I want to stop but no matter how hard I try nothing changes.  I'm tired of feeling alone for no reason.  I know I'm loved, I know I'm not alone but deep down part of me doesn't believe that and I hate it.  I just don't know how to change it...it's part of who I am and I'm worried that I won't find anyone who will accept that part of me.

Bogart in my closet.

I had  a nightmare the other night. I was at Hogwarts... they were doing the lesson on bogarts.  You know those things that turn into your worst fear? Well, my turn came so I stepped up expecting a spider or something like that... but instead out comes Trevin and I run up to hug him...he pushes me away and starts yelling about how he told me to leave him alone and that he didn't need me in his life anymore and how I was a mistake and do nothing but cause him problems...and goes on about how I'm too clingy and just continues to put me down...well,  needless to say, I haven't been sleeping well lately... but yeah, hopefully talking about it will help get it out of my system...

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if I'm worth putting up with. I'm impulsive, impatient, stubborn, my depression is all over the place, I can't keep  anything to myself and because of it I'm constantly causing problems for myself and people close to me. I'm too proud for my own good and have a hard time accepting or asking for help especially when I know I need it. Sometimes I think it best if I just stayed alone with just myself for company even though I know that just makes it worse. I have impossibly high expectations for myself but I can't seem to get rid of them. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a box and no matter what I do I can't get out or find space to move. Other times it's like the world is just sitting there waiting for me to grab it. I guess that's normal but, I don't know what to do any more. Everyone keeps asking what my plans are. I used to have a plan, I had everything figured out I knew what I wanted to do and how I could make it happen. I could honestly say that I was worth it  and then something happened, I'm not sure what but now all of a sudden I have no idea what I'm doing, or where I'm going and started wondering if I ever really knew, if I was actually worth it. Sometimes I just want to run away from everyone and everything and not come back. I know what I want, but I don't know if I can make it  happen or if it'll be worth it in the end. I'm lost and can't remember how to find myself again.

Frustrations

This has been bugging me for two days now, I need to get it out. Two days ago I got back from visiting Trevin and the first thing I get the second I walking in the door is yelled at. I express my feelings about what happened to Trevin, who then expressed his concerns to my mom who later came down and said we needed to talk and she told me what was going on. ten minutes later mom and I are still talking and Dad pokes his head in and says I seem upset...ok seeming upset is like when Trevin points out that I have that look I get when I need to cry. When I am already crying? Obviously I'm upset, no seeming about it, we talk a minute about what happened then somehow the conversation changes to Trevin and how my dad doesn't like him because:

1. The Abby Thing: Okay, first off I didn't know Dad knew about that, second that was between me and Trevin and I forgave him for that because I was in a similar boat a few years ago.

2. Not carrying my stuff to Dad's friend's car: even if he had tried to I would have told him not to because then I would have felt really awkward, so in a way he saved me from a situation that was already awkward enough.

3. Having me pay him back for the hotel he booked for me: I would have done that anyway. That's how I was raised and I know he needs the money. He's already done a lot for me the least I can do is repay him for it

4. Referring to me as his friend: Trevin and I had this conversation, so I'm okay with it.

So basically I'm annoyed because my dad is making judgements without knowing the whole story and secondly telling me how I think, which has always been a pet peeve of mine. He told me that I think the world revolves around Trevin because I dropped everything to go see him. THAT WAS MY DECISION! I wanted to see him so I found a way to do so. I was willing to pay $150 to see him and he told me no. Just because he wanted to see me too does not mean I went because he wanted me to. I went because I wanted to.  

end of rant

Learn New Things Everyday

Here's a quick list of things I learned today:

1. Why I try to stay out of politics: It gets me too angry, and I hate being angry
2. I should NOT think about politics at night: I'll get too riled up and not be able to sleep
3. Why love is so hard to explain/ considered illogical: it's inconsistent.There are so many types and levels and everyone has to decide for his or herself what it is.

There are the top three things I learned today. TA DA!

Well, That Happened

The other night I stayed at my Grandparents' house and my Grandma, out of nowhere asks. "So is Trevin coming to the family reunion?" I was a bit surprised there have only ever been two other people not in the family to be invited to a reunion; My friend Mackenzie who lived next door, and my cousin's fiance. I would love it if he came, but only if he wanted to, but I'm nervous at the same time. I really want my family to like him, especially my parents. I know everyone wants to meet him. We will see how it plays out.

More Pressure / self-doubt

So, all of a sudden everyone is pushing me to serve a mission after I explained that I am not planning to.  And of course they all assume it's because of a boy.  Look I've prayed about this and I don't feel like that is a good idea for me.  It doesn't feel right but no matter how many times I say this oh, that's Satan trying to discourage you. Thanks guys, way to encourage the whole "do what you feel is right" thing you've been talking about since I was 8. And for extra measure all week this week I got to listen to the morning shift manager talk about how people who self-harm or used to self-harm are bad people and therefore can't and/or shouldn't be loved. For those who don't know there was a time when I was one of those people so I've been in this constant cycle of agreeing with her and disagreeing with her. I don't know what to think anymore.  Up until now everything was perfect.  I was happy,  and felt loved and cared for,  now I'm in a swap every other minute between happy and depressed again. I just don't know what to do.

interesting experience

Nothing beats that calming feeling you get when you are reminded that someone loves you. After a hellish hour at work where every costumer I talked to seemed to be taking their bad mood out on me I stepped into the bathroom to have a good cry and while I was there I was able to step back and remember that someone very special to me loved me and I could have sworn that for a moment that person was there hugging me, telling me it would be alright. It could have just been my imagination but whatever it was it got me through the rest of the shift and I am very grateful. It's amazing how much those three words can do when they come from the right person.

Who I Am/ Under Pressure

One thing I can't stand is when people try to force a personality on me. Ever since I got home two days ago my older brother has been trying to tell me who I am. "Oh you're a country girl" or "Oh you're a Redneck" No, I'm not! Why do you think I hate country so much. Everyone has been forcing it on me just because everyone else in this town likes it. I'm not a country girl I'm not a Redneck. Sure I like Do-it-yourself projects and horse riding and all that jazz but that doesn't mean everything. Let me be who I am not who you THINK I am. Leave the personality classifying to the people who actually know me. And another thing; just because I went to college does not mean that I'm engaged or am going to get engaged anytime soon. Would I like to? Sure that'd be great. Am I in any hurry? NO! so stop pressuring me about it. I'm well aware that everyone else in town my age is getting engaged already and whatever but I'll get engaged when I get engaged so just chill okay? Every time I turn around someone is asking when I'm going to get engaged and all that. It will happen whenever God wants it to happen and apparently that's not happening yet. Do I have someone in mind? well...yeah but I've made my interest clear. I'm not going to badger him about it like everyone is insisting that I do. Who knows maybe we'll talk about it when we feel ready but I'm happy with the way things are right now I'm already so blessed just having him in my life, I'm letting God handle it from here, He helped me get this far, if it's meant to work out he'll help it the rest of the way too.

Snow College Photo Montage

Closing Another Chapter

Well finals are over and the semester is coming to a close. I have yet to start packing but it shouldn't take too long.  Anyway I to take a moment to give a shout out to my best friend.  I appreciate all my friends but I'm especially  thankful for one in particular. When I first met Trevin I knew I could be friends with him. I never expected him to become my best friend though but he did. As you know if you read this blog it has been a rough, emotional semester for me and Trevin was one of those people who was always there for me. I know he lost a lot of sleep to make sure I was going to be okay. He helped me get back on my own two feet both mentally and emotionally and I am so grateful for that.  In two days we'll be going our separate ways. I'll still visit him from time to time but I'm still going to miss him the second he leaves.  I'm going to miss seeing him everyday.

Something New

Tonight I did something I had never done before. I cried....not because I was sad but because I was happy. I had never done that before. What happened was I made myself a warm glass of milk to help me get back to sleep and started thinking about the week's events a few things in particular which I won't go into detail about and then I had a row of flashbacks from when I was kid like Grandpa taking me fishing, brownie wars with my cousin, all the sleep overs at my grandma's when she would make me a glass of warm milk to help me relax, the time  my little brother stood up for me after finding out I was being cheated on, my first time playing Mafia...That time the popular girls actually invited me to hang out with them, My first day and first concert with the community choir (R.I.P Mary, We miss you) So I want to thank everyone who has been a positive influence in my life for helping me have a reason to get up every day. Thanks you and may God bless you all.

Observation

Why is it that every time I find something that makes me happy I lose it in some way or Other?

More thoughts

Why is it the more I try to fight it the further I seem to fall? I am starting to think I should have said no to Homecoming but at the same time...it lead to both the best and the worst moments of my life...but I'm starting to wonder if the good was worth the bad. This is why I'm so afraid of being happy. It's starting to hurt to be around people . I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to be alone, but I hurt too much to be around people. I want to be able to be around people, but when I am I have to turn around and leave again before they see me cry. Soon all my friends will be gone and it will be just me again. I'm scared. I'm sick of feeling. Can I just go back to two years ago when I didn't feel anything?

Project Me

I've kinda been inspired (or more correctly asked) To do more for myself so I'm going to try to work on that over spring break. Tonight it's ice cream and old movies (examples: Anastasia, Robin Hood etc etc.) So. yeah. any ideas for tomorrow night?

Then and Now 2011 - 2015

2011


1. Real name: Celeste Marie Jacobs

2. Nickname(s):, rainbow, Rose, Spot,

3. Favorite color(s):silver black dark red

4. Male or Female: Girly

5. Elementary School: Kanab Elemantary (KES)

7. High School: Kanab High (KHS)

8. College:AMDA ,SUU, Julliard, SNow

9. Hair color:light brownish

10. Tall or Short: somewhere in the middle

11. Sweats or Jeans: eaither but sweats are comfy

12. Phone or Camera: camera

13. Health freak: I LOVE CHOCOLATE

14. Orange or Apple: BOTH!

15. Do you have a crush on someone:Yes

16. Eat or Drink: bothy

17. Piercings: ears

18. Pepsi or Coke: DR. PEPPER

HAVE YOU EVER?

19. Been in an Airplane: not that i can remember

20. Been in a Relationship: not yet

21. Been in a Car Accident: yes

22. Been in a Fist Fight: yes

23. First piercing: Ears.

24. Best Friend(s): Joyce

27. First word: ?

29. Last person you talked to: Martin Hill

30. Last person you texted: Martin Hill

31. Last person you watched a movie with: mom /dad

32. Last food you ate: beef bean burittos

33. Last movie you watched:Dispicable Me 2

34. Last song you listened to: Australian National Anthem sung by: Anthony Warlow

35. Last thing you bought: The Complete Work Jekyll & Hyde: The Gothic Musical Thriller 2 disc CD pack

36. Last person you hugged: Rebecka Wiatrak

37. Food: sea food

38. Drink: Dr. pepper

39. Bottom:leggings

40. Flower: Rose

42. Color: blood red, black, silver, dark green, grey, an brown

43. Movie: too many

44. Subject: Drama

HAVE YOU EVER

45.

46. [♥] Celebrated Halloween

47. [♥] Had your heart broken

48. [ ]Went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone

49. [

51. [ ] Got pregnant

52. [ ] Had an abortion

53. [♥] Did something you regret

54. [♥] Broke a promise

55. [♥] Hid a secret

56. [♥] Pretended to be happy

57. [ ] Felipe.

58. [

59. [ ] left the country

60. [♥] Tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

61. [♥] Cried over the silliest thing

62. [♥] Ran a mile

63. [

64. [♥] Got into an argument with your friends

65. [♥] Disliked someone

66. [YES]did u know rawr means i love you in dino

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating:lays potato chips

69. Listening: On the Edge of Time from Doctor Zhivago sung by: Anthony Warlow and Lucy Maunder

70. Sitting/Laying: laying

71. Plans for today: school, babysitting

72. Waiting for:Martin Hill's letter and/or text

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids: yeah sure a few.

74. Want to get married: yes!!

75. Career: Broadway

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL:

76. Lips or eyes: Eyes!

77. Shorter or Taller: Taller.

78. Romantic or Spontaneous: Both

81. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship.

82. Looks or personality:personality (but looks r nice 2)

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts:nope don't wear either

84. Snuck out of a house: 4 times when i was in elemantry i jumped out the kitchen window and once to go 2 prom with Teresa, and almost every night for a walk...but not anymore

85. Held a gun or knife for self defense: no daggar

86. Killed somebody:bwahahahahahaha...actually no

87. Broken someone's heart: I hope not

88. Been in love: am currently

89. Cried when someone died: Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: not all the time

91. Miracles: Yes.

92. Love at first sight: not really but i like the idea

93. Heaven:yes

94. Santa clause: no

95. Aliens: no

96. Ghosts: sometimes

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now: yeah...

98. Do you you know who your real friends are: i should hope so






2015


1. Real name: Celeste Marie Jacobs

2. Nickname(s):, rainbow, Sissy, CJ

3. Favorite color(s):silver black dark red

4. Male or Female: female

5. Elementary School: Kanab Elemantary (KES)

7. High School: Kanab High (KHS)

8. College:Snow

9. Hair color:Red

10. Tall or Short: Short but proportionate

11. Sweats or Jeans:slacks and sweats

12. Phone or Camera: camera phone 0.0

13. Health freak: no

14. Orange or Apple: Apple

15. Do you have a crush on someone:Yes and no. A bit deeper than that

16. Eat or Drink: both

17. Piercings: ears

18. Pepsi or Coke: DR. PEPPER

HAVE YOU EVER?

19. Been in an Airplane: not that i can remember

20. Been in a Relationship: yes

21. Been in a Car Accident: yes

22. Been in a Fist Fight: yes

23. First piercing: Ears.

24. Best Friend(s): Trevin Conder, Nikki Johnson, for top two. But I have a big list of friends but those two I'm probably closest to.

27. First word: ?

29. Last person you talked to: Trevin Conder

30. Last person you texted: Trevin Conder

31. Last person you watched a movie with: Trevin Conder

32. Last food you ate:burger

33. Last movie you watched:Does Doctor Who count?

34. Last song you listened to: The Farthest Star by VNV Nation

35. Last thing you bought: Coffee

36. Last person you hugged: Trevin Conder

37. Food: uh...not sure

38. Drink: Dr. pepper

39. Bottom:pajama pants

40. Flower: Rose, lilly, bleeding heart, orchid

42. Color: blood red, black, silver, dark green, grey, an brown

43. Movie: does Doctor Who and/or Sherlock count?

44. Subject: Drama

HAVE YOU EVER

45.

46. [♥] Celebrated Halloween

47. [♥] Had your heart broken

48. [ ]Went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone

49. [

51. [ ] Got pregnant

52. [ ] Had an abortion

53. [♥] Did something you regret

54. [♥] Broke a promise

55. [♥] Hid a secret

56. [♥] Pretended to be happy

57. [ ] Felipe.

58. [

59. [ ] left the country

60. [♥] Tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

61. [♥] Cried over the silliest thing

62. [♥] Ran a mile

63. [

64. [♥] Got into an argument with your friends

65. [♥] Disliked someone

66. [YES]did u know rawr means i love you in dino

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: nothing

69. Listening: silence

70. Sitting/Laying: laying

71. Plans for today: class, be with my friends

72. Waiting for: spring break

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids: would be nice

74. Want to get married: only if I think it's to the right person

75. Career: anything. though maybe stay at home mom in the future if it's an option

WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL:

76. Lips or eyes: Eyes! you can tell a lot about a person based on the look in their eyes when they look at you.

77. Shorter or Taller: Taller. most people are taller than me

78. Romantic or Spontaneous: Funny

81. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship.

82. Looks or personality:personality

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: Nikki's

84. Snuck out of a house: 4 times when i was in elemantry i jumped out the kitchen window and once to go 2 prom with Teresa, and almost every night for a walk...but now it's not something I need to worry about

85. Held a gun or knife for self defense: no

86. Killed somebody: no

87. Broken someone's heart: I hope not

88. Been in love: yes there is someone I love.

89. Cried when someone died: Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: no

91. Miracles: Impossible things just happen and we call them miracles.

92. Love at first sight: no. There would be no development which I think is important

93. Heaven:yes

94. Santa clause: no

95. Aliens: no

96. Ghosts: no

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now: yes. Everyday

98. Do you you know who your real friends are: I would like to say yes, but that is something you constantly have to discover because you constantly make new friends. What makes a 'real' friend depends on ones definition. 

Random Thoughts

Hearts are like Pandora's box. First you touch it, you don't realize you are doing it but then you open it up and all these good emotions come flying out, joy, happiness, compassion, love, and they stick to you because you let them out. Like I said you don't know this is what happened because it's all within this other person who's heart you opened. And if you reject these feelings that you let out then all the negative feelings come out. Sadness, anger, loneliness, fear, loss, etc. And they cling to the other person because they feel they did something wrong, or that they can't be loved for some reason. They lose hope of ever loving someone and being loved in return. They start to question if love is worth it. Then they shut themselves out to avoid further damage, and they slowly stop feeling anything other than that lost love and hurt and they decide never to open their hearts again. But then someone else comes along who touches this person's heart and their lives and their heart opens up again and they start to love this person with all that they are, but then this love too is rejected and this person has a downward spiral of loss and hurt, they lose hope again of ever falling in love with someone who will love them back but they try and try to show the person who opened their heart how much they mean to them but no matter what they do it never seems to be enough. They try to show them, they tell them over and over again how much they mean to them but no matter what they do, in the end they feel like they are being pushed away. So they hide away, but this time there are others who drag them out anyway and they are constantly reminded of how the other person makes them feel. Everything is OK for awhile, until they feel pushed away again and they remember that their love was rejected So they hide away again because they remember all that pain from the first time and this time. They desperately fight for whatever happiness they can find, but they can't find any without that other person because that love is still clinging on to that other person through it all. So all the first person can do is suffer, and wait, and hope that someday this other person will accept them for who they are and accept their love. All the while through that suffering the first person keeps asking themselves 'were hearts made whole just to break?' But they wait anyway.
Hearts are like Pandora's box.

#4

It's the weekend again. So....

Name: Tim Bennett

How we met: Castilleja

Fun fact: Really good metal-smith (In my opinion you should see the rings he's made)

Tim is probably one of the most outwardly happy person I know (I say outwardly because you never know what's going on emotionally for anyone) and is also one of the most patient and supportive a person could have. He's a really good guy and is fun to be around. You can talk to him about anything from light hearted banter to deep, serious conversations and is always willing to listen and offer advice if you need it. He's the kind of friend who always has your back. I know he's always had mine. Thanks Tim :)

Spotlight of the week

Name: Trevin Conder

How we Met: Witness Protection Program (Thanks Nikki for making me go)

Fun Fact: The first of the five people on campus who have seen me cry

*Shakes my head* Trevin, Trevin, Trevin. This guy knows more about me than anyone else on campus, and I like to think I know him pretty well in return. He can make me feel better in seconds after a bad day (Example when a room mate tells me I'm useless) He's my go to person whenever I need to get something off my chest or if something's got me down (Which is a lot more often than I'd like but anyone who knows me knows that already) and was the first to jump up and remind me that blessings are good. I think it's safe to say he's my best friend, well one of them anyway. Most of my favourite college stories (Which my sister Sara makes me tell and retell a hundred times over) involve him, mostly because of his flippant comments which I find so much amusement in and because he's pretty much the head of the group. He also has the prettiest eyes I've ever seen just throwing that out there...to me he's just one of those people where I find everything about them to be pretty fantastic...There is A LOT I can say about Trevin, probably because I know more about him than I do the others in my group of friends. I'm just glad I have him in my life, and pleased to know he's always got my back when I need help and that I can open up to him without being afraid. Thank you Trevin for deciding to be a part of my life.

because I'm a week behind

Name: "Freaking" Blake Reynolds

How we Met: Castilleja Hall

Fun Fact: beats everyone at everything (Most of the time)

Freaking Blake. Yet another one of the guys I feel are like a brother (Though I can say that about most of my guy friends here) Blake can usually be found with Kyle, or his girlfriend Kelsey. He's always got a light-hearted, teasing comment to make me chuckle and I also want to thank him for helping me with a priesthood blessing this week and for helping Trevin with his. Thank you Blake for always helping to give me a smile.

OOps!

Forgot about this! This weeks Spotlight is on Benji Buell.

How we met?: Met Benji through night games.

Fun Fact: King of the Board Games. If there is a board game it's almost certain Benji will have it

Benji is a fantastic, funny person and is well known for blowing everything up on Minecraft once he gets bored. He is one of the many examples of diligence in scripture study and a great spiritual inspiration. I want to thank him for assisting in giving me two different priesthood blessings this week to help me with my struggles and for always having some comment or joke to help bring a smile to my face everyday. Thanks Benji. :)

Change

It finally happened. I've finally been critiqued. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT HAS BEEN SINCE THAT HAPPENED!?! I'M SO EXCITED! Anyway, somethings are going to be changing on the blog. Mostly as an experiment. Instead of being a place for me to vent I'm going to try something new. each week I'm going to pick a person and do a bit of a spotlight on them just for fun to remind me of what I HAVE instead of what I've lost because to be blunt I've been a downer so I'm going to try to fix that in hopes it might do something to at least tone down my depression. So starting this weekend I'm going to do my best to shift my focus. I can't promise I'll be 100% more happy but I can say i'll be giving it 150% of my effort.

Counseling discoveries (so far)

1. I may have PTS caused by abandonment issues
2. My nightmares could be a result of #1 or just social anxiety
3. I'm perhaps TOO kind-hearted to the point where I won't stand up for myself
4. I may be clingy because of #1 or #5
5. I'm willing to hang on to a dying relationship/consent to "Non-committal" (in their opinion) cuddling and/or kissing because I am desperate to be loved due to "possible" lack of it from influential male figures in my life, namely my father.
6. I'm overly sensitive BUT unwilling to display emotions to other people and cover it with fake/nervous laughter
7. I spend so much time alone because I'm afraid of losing people
8. I'm scared of losing people due to past history (Divorces, Breakups, lost friends etc.)
9. I'm afraid to get married because of my family's history of divorce.
10. I'm a glutton for punishment (Emotional or otherwise) because I feel I deserve it or expect it
11. I'm quick to develop strong feelings in a relationship because #5
12. My pessimism could be due to either depression or #1.

Help...

I don't think anything hurts worse than knowing that someone you care about is going through the same pain as you are. It's times like these I would do anything to take that pain away for them. I would rather have the hurt tenfold then see someone else have to go through it, but sometimes the most beautiful things in life come when you feel broken and empty. You tend to appreciate things more after a while, love more fully, try that much harder...I try my best to be there to support whomever I can to the best of my abilities but sometimes there is nothing anyone can do and I hate that. I hate seeing people suffer in one form or other and not be able to do anything to make things better. I can only hope that they know that they are, and always will be, loved and that if they ever need anything, or if there is anything I can do, I hope they never hesitate to ask. I want to do all I can to help; to make their day even a little bit brighter. This goes to anyone and everyone who will accept my help. I know I can't take the pain away, but I would like too, even just for a moment, make them forget that they are hurting like they have done for me.

:/

It's only Monday and I'm already doing a fantastic job of pissing people I care about off...

Oh dear

Why is it everyone starts asking me out RIGHT after a break up? I mean I don't mind or anything but timing! Matt, Time, Bryce, Mike, and now Matt Dove back home...I'm still trying to adjust guys! Don't get me wrong, I don't mind dating it's just...too much going on emotionally for me right now but it looks like Kevin was right last August "Well guys may be the last thing on your mind, but judging by the cute pics you've been posting, I'm guessing you won't be the last thing on theirs. On the plus side, Dad will be happy to help if you need defended at all." That aside Operation: get over Trevin is still proving to be a bit...wibbly. I'll keep you posted on that...

ingore

ignore that last post. I was angry...
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

-Natalie Grant "Held"

Something New

I make it a habit to get over things quickly so as not to get bitter, this time is proving more difficult than usual. I haven't been properly angry in forever at least not to the point where I start to shake. I'm not the type to hold grudges, and I'm not by any means going to start now but when someone you care about starts to question your integrity...this is going to take some time. it doesn't help that I've been in physical pain all week...maybe I should just sleep it off. That's all I need, some sleep and some time...but they say to never go to bed angry. It's going to be a long night

Fed Up

Okay everyone I get it! Alright? Yes, I'm an idiot I get the message you don't need to keep reminding me. I'm stupid for trusting someone, and letting someone in; for liking someone and still liking someone when they start to leave okay? Are you happy now? I get it and I'm done hearing it from every. other. freaking. person. I. talk. to.  Can I just get one day; one day where someone somewhere doesn't imply that I'm stupid for feeling how I feel?

Courtesy of a Friend

On the Brink

No I'm not talking about the song by Lyndy Butler. All week this week I've been on the edge of crying and I don't know why. Do you know how frustrating that is? The worst part is my body won't let me. I was asked why I insist on keeping it all bottled up inside...to be honest part of me does. I'm used thinking of emotions as a disadvantage. but at the same time I know that it's good to get it out, but my body just won't let me. Everyday it's proven more and more that I am an anomaly, which is rather interesting to me. maybe all this is just a side effect of that....I don't know. Yet another thing to my list of things I need to figure out

Shhhhhhhhhh

After further investigation into the depths of mu mind I have been told not to post when I'm half asleep but... quick update: after five years of suggesting I'm here to tell you I'm finally getting counseling starting  Wednesday. In other news, Trevin's missionary  Abbie is coming back in 11 days. While I'm excited for Trevin I can't help but be terrified. I don't know what's going to happen after that, and I really don't like not knowing. Either way some thing or other is going to change, and I'm not overly fond of change. On a side note twice now I have been called aggressive; a word that has never been used in regard to me before and twice there has been an instant where I felt someone was reading my mind. It's been an odd week. Today I was told that I seem happier. In truth I've been more down than usual (most likely because of the fear of impending change). Anyway I should go. night everyone.

Pirates and Bananas

So...once again, I get my hopes up and I screw everything up. GO ME! Every time I do something I'm told I'm good at I get shut down. I mean I'm used to it by now but I got down to the last thing I considered myself as good at so just a bit depressing is all. Guess Mum was right, there IS always going to be some better than me. On that note, all day today I've had this feeling in my gut that I'm about to be replaced. I mean I know my friends are there for me and everything so I shouldn't feel that way but...have you ever felt like you are about to lose someone? That... Anyway, Potassium...I should get some...

Back

I am SO glad to be back on campus with all my friends again. I just finished stalking them all on Facebook stealing pictures and making a collage out of the pictures and setting the collage as my wallpaper on my computer. I'm hoping it will make breaks a bit easier. I've only been back for a couple days but it's been fantastic.

2014 in review

2014...I did some looking back, and you know what? I did a lot. I dated, I got got cheated, lied to, and left behind, I locked up my emotions. I competed, sang, heck I even got crowned Prom Princess. Voted most shy, I got hurt, let down,picked back up, and sometimes dragged by my wrist just to keep me going (I mean literally, not metaphorically) I graduated, watched Doctor Who for the first time. got my first job, I changed my name, and went to my college of choice. and then, some of my best memories come in to play. Nikki begged me to come to a group with her. I reluctantly went because, groups of people? "Not my thing" I told her, but I went anyway. I went to comic con and met some of my favourite actors and got a text asking if I wanted to play mario. I got asked to Homecoming. I've never been asked to a dance (unless you count prom but I think it was a pity date on behalf of our librarian) I got punched in the face, I laughed , and somewhere along the way I made the most wonderful friends. I played games, I trusted, I talked, danced, I got my first kiss, I got in a relationship. I got teased, I joked, I smiled, I laughed some more, I cried...for the first time in years. I hid, I worried, I stressed,  I feared, I learned. Emotion came back ten fold. I played, I died, respawn, I died again, I shot, I missed...A LOT. I scouted ahead, I threw 'snowballs'. I broke. I cried, I feared, I dreamed, I hoped, I wished, I asked, I understood. I worked, I ran, I fell, I remembered. Thank you all for being part of my best year yet. :)

Happy New Year

What a great start to my year. I actually had a lot of fun at work today with my Mum and Alveda. Then went to a dance and saw some friends. Then came home and talked to Trevin...I was nervous about that because, well...waking up to all caps rage isn't all that reassuring. Everything turned out okay...better than okay even. also...I GO HOME ON SATURDAY! Hopefully i'll be there in time to see Clancy while he's visting