Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder if I'm worth putting up with. I'm impulsive, impatient, stubborn, my depression is all over the place, I can't keep  anything to myself and because of it I'm constantly causing problems for myself and people close to me. I'm too proud for my own good and have a hard time accepting or asking for help especially when I know I need it. Sometimes I think it best if I just stayed alone with just myself for company even though I know that just makes it worse. I have impossibly high expectations for myself but I can't seem to get rid of them. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a box and no matter what I do I can't get out or find space to move. Other times it's like the world is just sitting there waiting for me to grab it. I guess that's normal but, I don't know what to do any more. Everyone keeps asking what my plans are. I used to have a plan, I had everything figured out I knew what I wanted to do and how I could make it happen. I could honestly say that I was worth it  and then something happened, I'm not sure what but now all of a sudden I have no idea what I'm doing, or where I'm going and started wondering if I ever really knew, if I was actually worth it. Sometimes I just want to run away from everyone and everything and not come back. I know what I want, but I don't know if I can make it  happen or if it'll be worth it in the end. I'm lost and can't remember how to find myself again.

Frustrations

This has been bugging me for two days now, I need to get it out. Two days ago I got back from visiting Trevin and the first thing I get the second I walking in the door is yelled at. I express my feelings about what happened to Trevin, who then expressed his concerns to my mom who later came down and said we needed to talk and she told me what was going on. ten minutes later mom and I are still talking and Dad pokes his head in and says I seem upset...ok seeming upset is like when Trevin points out that I have that look I get when I need to cry. When I am already crying? Obviously I'm upset, no seeming about it, we talk a minute about what happened then somehow the conversation changes to Trevin and how my dad doesn't like him because:

1. The Abby Thing: Okay, first off I didn't know Dad knew about that, second that was between me and Trevin and I forgave him for that because I was in a similar boat a few years ago.

2. Not carrying my stuff to Dad's friend's car: even if he had tried to I would have told him not to because then I would have felt really awkward, so in a way he saved me from a situation that was already awkward enough.

3. Having me pay him back for the hotel he booked for me: I would have done that anyway. That's how I was raised and I know he needs the money. He's already done a lot for me the least I can do is repay him for it

4. Referring to me as his friend: Trevin and I had this conversation, so I'm okay with it.

So basically I'm annoyed because my dad is making judgements without knowing the whole story and secondly telling me how I think, which has always been a pet peeve of mine. He told me that I think the world revolves around Trevin because I dropped everything to go see him. THAT WAS MY DECISION! I wanted to see him so I found a way to do so. I was willing to pay $150 to see him and he told me no. Just because he wanted to see me too does not mean I went because he wanted me to. I went because I wanted to.  

end of rant