Sick days

I can't do anything right. I'll just up and say that right now. If I do one thing it's about what I didn't do, if I forget to do something (which I'll admit I do a lot) it's about how i don't do anything. I can't even be sick without someone being cross at me. Some days I want to run away, take a break... I can't do that anymore. I don't have any friends...at least not any I feel comfortable enough with to confide all my thoughts and feelings to and spend a whole day at their house talking about everything with. At least not yet. It's hard... I can't just go up the street to Amanda's and cuddle with my baby Loki anymore while I vent about how I'm feeling. I don't have Nikki who would drive 45 minutes to see me just because I was crying, and would usually result in food and venting. I know I'm a terrible wife. I'm forgetful, I get distracted easily, I procrastinate... but the last few days... I've been in pain, and not just emotionally. I've been in physical pain that feels like my insides are turning themselves inside out and my stomach is being sliced open... but no one knows how much pain I'm in. I want to scream and cry and I just can't. Everyone keeps saying I'm so strong... I'M NOT! I'm a coward who just doesn't let it show how much I'm hurting... some times I can't even show my husband how much pain I'm in. It seems if it's not about my lack of a second job, it's about forgetting to do something, or my lack of emotional stability. Can't I do anything right? I know I'm a forgetful twit. I apologize for that. I know I'm not a healthy person. I'm sorry. But slamming doors isn't going to help. Loud noises aren't going to help because I'm scared. Loud sounds make me flinch, slamming doors makes me freeze up...loud sounds scare me. So right now I am curled up into a ball, wanting to scream in pain, while being sick on top of that... alone... seems to be a pattern lately. Maybe Lexie was right?

One of those days

Ever had one of those days when nothing goes right from the second you wake up? Like, as soon as you're fully awake you just break into tears and it only gets worse from there? Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly on the back burner. Sometimes I feel like the people close to me see me get emotional and just think, "here we go again" and just try to ignore the fact that I'm hurting. I know I get emotional really easily, I can't help it. Grief, Sadness, Disappointment, Regret, Insecurity, Fear, Paranoia, the feeling you let someone down...the feeling that a loved one doesn't trust you...The feeling you can't do anything right...That's what I've been greeted with today. Sometimes I wonder if things would be better for everyone if I never existed. Would people be happier? would their lives be improved if I wasn't there to be a burden on them? Of course it's probably too late now...I miss the times when my mistakes only effected me...because now it seems every mistake I make hurts someone else and I'm constantly making mistake after mistake. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for causing problems for everyone else in my misjudgment. Would they be happier if I left? No matter what I do, no matter what choice I make, someone gets hurt or upset...and I hate myself for it. I don't care what happens to me, I care about how others would feel. What other will think...All my insecurities boil down to this: How does my existence affect the lives of others? and it feels like all I do is cause problems...For once I'd like to feel like I've improved someone's life...I don't want to be told I did...I want to FEEL it for myself...at least once...Just once I want to know what it feels like to love myself. "guys like girls who like themselves" I read once. "You can't love a person who can't love themselves" I read somewhere else. Am I really worthy of love? Can I be truly loved? What have I done to be loved? What have I done to earn that love? I grew up being told that no one deserves anything, they have to earn it.  although in some cases I feel like they go hand in hand. Everything has to be earned...So what did I possibly do to earn love?

Generic Post

So. My mom was talking about my engagement pictures and says"it's kinda sad that you're the only one with the lit up "I'm so in love" face. But that's just him" As I flip through the pictures I grin from ear to ear and shake my head. If only she could see what I see. If only she knew him like I do, she'd see the tenderness of his face that I do in the photos, not only when he's looking at me but in every single picture. She'd see how lit up his face is...and maybe she'd see what I can't see...just how much he loves me. Looking at these pictures I catch just the slightest glimpse of how he feels. If he could see how I feel about him. If he could see the respect and admiration, the love and trust I have for him. I can never properly explain how I feel. It's just too strong to put in words. Sometimes I wish people could see how much he has done for me and how much he continues to do for me. He stays up late to make sure I get to sleep okay, he pulls me up when I'm down, he makes me laugh. He stands up for me when he knows I can't. Sometimes he'll snap at me, sometimes he hurts my feelings, but he's always right there in the end to make sure that I am okay. He's always making sure I take care of myself. I couldn't ask for a better person to share my life. He is so special to me and I only wish people could see what I see