Worried

My grandma was in the hospital...Normally this is the part where Bryce asks if I need to take a walk, I say yes and I pour out what's bothering me, or Trevin asks what's wrong and I let it out...or some friend or other is there to tell me it's going to be okay. But I'm not at Snow. It's 4:32 am  and everyone is asleep. Last time this happened I knew I needed to be around people. James noticed I'd been crying and we went upstairs so I could talk about it. I worry when Grandma has to go to the hospital. I know she's strong spirited but she also seems so fragile lately...

On other news: Everyone seems to think I'm depressed. There are only two posts on this blog where I can say it is validated. A lot of things that I've posted about on here that others may see as depressing to me seem thought provoking or inspirational. Guess I'm just different like that but to say that I think I'm "worthless, useless, helpless, friendless, and hopeless."

Worthless? well, I'd have to say no on that.

Useless? Well Grandpa always says I'm good for nothing,and as far as I know he's right. I don't get paid for being good! When I feel like I can't do anything to help fix a situation  for someone I care about. yeah.

 Helpless? Yeah, sometimes I feel helpless. Mostly when I don't know how to help a friend. Though I've been told I don't even know how to help myself, so sure. I feel helpless sometimes. Doesn't everyone?

 Friendless? Never. Are you kidding me? How can I feel friendless when I have over a dozen fantastic people who I know will always be there for me? In fact I think that's most of my problem is that I miss my friends. I never seem to be able to spend enough time with them before a break and not miss them the second I get off campus. I know Mum says all of them are welcome at any time but 1. we would probably have to be picked up in the bus (for those in the audience who don't know our family owns a school bus) 2. They have their own families that miss them too. 3. tight rooming arrangements...Dad would probably end up pitching tents in the back yard or there would be sleeping bags everywhere.

 Hopeless? I admit it's sometimes hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel (and I use the term 'Sometimes' very loosely here) and I get lost, but that's where my friend come in and set me back on the right track. I just need to get back to my friends is all It's weird not being able to see them all everyday and as I've mentioned before I get used to things and it's hard for me to let go right away. Breaks are hard on me. I miss my friends more than anything.

 It's tough on me to leave my friends, but at the same time I don't want them to feel like they have to slowly pry me off with a crowbar either. I know I can be clingy. I guess I'm just afraid that one day I'll wake up and find that all of it was a dream because it's going so well...

The Adventure for Pulled Pork

I went to 3 bears for food and was waiting for about half an hour so I stole a pen and started drawing on napkins well writing mostly names of all the friends I made at school, what classes I registered for and a graph of who liked who and unsures and mixed signals etc (Seems Kelly had the most in both directions). then after that this guy on table 10 (I was on table 2) came up to me with a business card (according to the card he's from Canada and it said "Do things with pride, honor, dignity, and God in your heart" anyway he hands me this card and a bag a chips and says "You look like you're having a bad day" I just smiled and said "It's ok I work here" And then he says "Well you look like you're having a bad day and I had to much to eat *hands me the chips* So here you go and if you ever find yourself lost in life...*hands the card*" So I look at it and at the bottom he wrote "Don't be an option in somebody's life when you can be a priority in someone else's" and I was looking down at the card smiling and Linda (Who was at table 8, which is right next to two says "so what's his name?" and I laugh and say "what's who's name?" and she says "well it looked like you were texting some boy". The guy who gave me the card is now at table one helping some French tourists find the way to the coral pink sand dunes on a map. and I said "I'm just reading a card, and Linda his name was Trevin and he broke up with me last week" and the guy to gave me the card just kinda looks up and winks at me. It was a good experience for me cause the guy was kinda right I'm still sick and then I was sore and tired from the 2 1/2 mile walk to the shop the had to wait half an hour to get my food and well after looking at my list of friends I had made (total of 16 0_0 ) and seeing (again) how blessed I am to have found, in away, my own family (I guess that's my spell on the carriage) I was already in a better mood but this man added his own place in making my day. I guess sometimes we just end up at the right place, at the right time with the right people to remind you that not everything is that bad and while we're on that subject I want to apologize to said friends for being so down lately (though in all fairness most the things I blog about that a certain someone sees as depressing I just see as thought provoking..except maybe that last post he's validated for that one)  Just give me about a week and I should be back to normal...maybe...we'll see just in case I'm looking into a few things. See you all next week!

thoughts

Why can't I function like a normal human being? Why do my definitions of things have to be different? Everyone else seems to view things as black and white. Why do I see grey? Example when my Mum asked if Trevin and I were serious; if we were then we were planning on getting married if not he was playing me the whole time, Why can't there be an in between? I mean, I wasn't planning on marriage or anything but I wasn't just messing around either. I used to take pride in being different from everyone else but now I'm not so sure. Why can't I be normal like other people? Why am I only happy around other people? Why can't life be simpler? I don't want to be different anymore. I'd like to be on the same page as everyone else, not behind...

...

I'm debating canceling this blog. Thoughts?

Funny work stories

Well I can now say the break up has caused a few funny stories at work! the day after for small talk everyone asked me how long I had been married. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A RING ON! (not even my Watson ring or CTR ring because the sanitizer gets underneath and leaves painful red marks in the place the ring was) then last night my Mum asked about Trevin and I mentioned the break up and my grandma Wilcox  says "What? Word around town is you're engaged!" (Thanks Nicole Herzog for that btw) "well I'm glad. You haven't had enough fun yet" While a bit harsh I still found this comment funny. So far it's just those two for now but I'll keep you posted on any others

Unexpected Journey Continued

So I wasn't completely honest with my reasoning for my hesitation. There's more to it than that. Yeah it felt like cheating but when I remembered I was single I didn't say yes right away. My feelings for Trevin haven't changed and I'm not sure if they ever will. He's done too much for me even if he doesn't know it, Anyway, I didn't think that was fair to Tim but Trevin said the whole point of the break up was to keep our options open so I figured why not. It's just one date. So I'm giving it a shot.
Sometimes I hate that I can't lie. Not even partially. I always turn around and spill. Why do I do that?

BORED!

Could't get to sleep so I started to draw some colour pencil sketches of fond memories of last semester. only got one done. would have been at least two if I could get Clancy's glasses right!

Next up?

These two will be interesting to do ^

An Unexpected Journey...I Mean Event.

So, to avoid awkward comments/questions I've been slowly letting my group of friends know that Trevin and I broke up and I got to Tim the other day and he messaged me today asking me if I wanted to go on a date after break. I was a little hesitant to say yes. With thing between Trevin and I practically the same as we were I sometimes forget we broke up in the first place so for a second I felt like saying yes would be cheating but then I remembered I'm single and said yes. It will be an adventure for sure and Tim (For those int he audience who don't know him) is a really good guy and lots of fun. He also has recently had a break up so we'll see how it goes I guess..

New Year on the Way

Every year I find a song that expresses what I want to be that year. I found my song for 2015 quite by accident and I wanted to share it with you. So...
Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus Real

Merry Christmas

I apologize for my last post. It's been a draining week all around for me and needed to get it out somehow. Woke up feeling much better this morning, and also got some questions answered which also helped. So far it's been a good Christmas.

Welcome to Week "I'm Fine"

This week is just eating me alive. First the blackout then the next day I go to the job of pain after going to the ER then Trevin breaks up with me then today, I almost black out at work, messed up again and again ,got a table mad at me, got crappy tips (which is basically where any money I earn comes from) ,I'm in physical pain all over my body (not from work) I spill things on customers, drop their food, mess up orders, make double orders, make an idiot of myself (A common occurrence, really) not to mention all my plans for new years eve were taken. Then morning shift telling me that my shift didn't do anything (also typical). Then my loan STILL not going through. I've yet to have one night this week that I don't cry myself to sleep. It's just to much for me to cope within the duration of three days. Kinda shoots Christmas out of the sky doesn't it? And what do I say when asked if I'm okay? "I'm Fine" Automatic answer. It just comes out. I want to say "No, my emotions are falling apart inside me and I don't know how to put  myself together again" There is nothing I can pinpoint as to it all it just all the things keep piling up making each other thing worse than it already was. I'm just so upset, and stressed, and frustrated, and feel very much alone that it's just overwhelming my emotions and I don't know how to turn them off again.

Insecurities: The List

Figured this would be a good idea:

1. Being left behind/alone
2. Never being good enough
3. That my younger brother is right about me.
4. I'll end up like my older brother
5. Divorce
6. Never marry
7. Suicide

Discovery

I think I know at least part of the reason I blacked out yesterday. (thank you Doctor Who for this) Salt deficiency. I was looking at a bag of chips at work today and realised I have had hardly any salt all month and as mentioned in the second episode of season three, 'Smith and Jones' one of the common symptoms of salt deficiency is blacking out. dehydration, and sleep deprivation could also be factors as well as something my cousin told me:"having (emotions) all held in can cause a lot of problems like ... Lack of sleep... fainting.. eating disorders, anger problems, depression, weight lost, bad dreams, even sickness like colds and flu" May do a little more research on that later. After yesterday's events I have a cut and lovely bruise from my fall along with some carpet burn and an aching kneecap. Fun Fun! Anyway everyone was right. after a few months away from work I need a lot of refreshing. (Let's just say I did not like that job and deleted everything). Luckily we close at eight now so I can come home and do a bit of whatever.

Adventures (Part Two)

Well, it's not everyday you black out in front of a whole congregation and their families but somehow I managed to pull it off. Lucky me. The worst part is I almost cried in front of them too. Only Four people outside my family have seen me cry. Joyce, Nikki, my drama coach (Linda) and Trevin. In that order. I'm not used to crying. Ever since fall break I've been tearing up left and right over the stupidest things. Sometimes I think of emotions as a disadvantage. "A chemical defect found on the losing side" if you want a quote. Other times I don't know what to think of them. It's all very frustrating. ANYWAY back to the blackout fiasco: They were looking for volunteers for the ward choir Christmas program in sacrament and they asked my dad so he came to me and said. "If I'm being dragged into this you are too." so I said okay. half way through I see black dots, hearing goes fuzzy, then I can't hear anything everything is black I feel myself fall then nothing for a moment then There is a new member and brother Church standing over me, Mariah Wheeler, my drama coach's daughter's hand on my shoulder and then I was lead to my seat and sat there for the rest of sacrament singing while everyone else is standing (Needless to say I was embarrassed) the my old land lady, Conné Lord gave me a  ride home after brother Church recommended it (and I figured it was a good idea to listen to him as he works in the hospital)It's funny I always thought fainting was a myth. Guess I was wrong. To be honest I black out more than you'd think. This is just the first time I haven't been able to catch myself.  So now I'm here recording my adventure on my blog...of course I just told my parents my knee gave out. I f I told them the truth they'd freak out and try to take my to the hospital or something and we an't afford that where as my knee giving out has turned into a natural occurrence at our house they wouldn't worry as much.

Adventures

Four more days until Christmas. Am I excited? Sure. All I really want for Christmas now is for all my friends to be able to come back next semester. It's going to be weird enough without Clancy. He left for boot camp a few days before I came home. Anyway today was a great day. played some Minecraft and skyping my friends then Trevin Skyped with me for a couple hours. I love skyping with him even if we don't say anything...There's just something oddly comforting in the sound of computer keys.

YAY DRUGS!

Before you jump to conclusions, by drugs I mean Melatonin. Finally getting some decent sleep!

ANYWAY, earlier this week I was advised to take a step back, quit worrying about the problems my friends are facing and take a look at my own and figure out what I'm so insecure about. I think I found at least part of the problem. I focus too much one what people say I'm not. Like my brother for instance who tells me all the time I'm not smart or skilled , or talented in any way, I'm not pretty, I'm not independent, I have no personality, I deserve to be alone; the list goes on and on. Instead I should focus more on the fact that there is someone who thinks I am smart, pretty, kind, strong, wise (There is a difference between smart and wise), talented and just all around fantastic just the way I am. Yeah every now and then I need someone to remind me but don't we all? Sometimes there are small ways of saying you care such as "Go to bed. Go directly to bed. Do not pass 'Go'. Do not collect $200" or even "You're a dork". but even then saying "Hey! You're brilliant" or "You're Fantastic" can go a long way. Just a thought for the evening.

Here we go again...

Another one of those days where I miss my friends to the point that I want to cry. That dream I had last night doesn't help either. I guess it was just my insecurities leaking from my subconsciousness because if I met me I'd probably annoy the crap out of myself.

Worst. Dream. Ever.

So I just had a dream that I was back at school and my friends locked me in a room by myself and wouldn't talk to me. I had to sit in the room and watch as they all had fun without me while I couldn't do anything. I pounded on the door until someone came in, but they tied me to the chair and left again. Then I woke up. If you remember my worst fear from earlier you'll see why it scared me so bad. Do I think this will happen? Well I sure hope not but sometimes when I dream about things involving people I know they tend to happen...here's hoping it's not one of those dreams.

Another wonderful day. Got to see my grandparents, and my choir. Then three shooting stars. so I want to extend those three wishes to everyone. So go ahead. Close your eyes and make some wishes. Who knows maybe they will come true. I know mine did.

Fair is Fair

Please don't look at this as depressing. For me it's a happy thing because I learned something new about myself  but I was just thinking about this episode of Doctor Who where there is this hotel and each visitor has their own room and in that room is their greatest fear. Ever since I saw that episode I wondered what I would consider my biggest fear. At first I would have said snakes or death or something like that. I just realized what it is. Ending up alone. That's what scares me the most. My brother was listening to that song "If today were your last day" at the same time I was thinking about that episode and I decided that the saddest thing ever would be to die alone. Anyway I thought that since my cousin told me her worst fear,  it was only fair I post mine as well so there you go.

Hardcore Run Recap

I died. Everyone died. It was fun though,, I wish I was better at...well...living. ANYWAY, sounds like we're going at it again so let's see how we do this time. and here's wishing all my friends a fantastic Christmas this year

Welcome Home

Good news: s of five days ago I'm over that bought of depression. It comes and goes now and then.  So, I'm home for winter break and I'm home until January...well I don't know, Dad has an O.A. thing in Ephraim early January and he might take me home then. I just noticed that I refer to both Snow, and Kanab as  home. Point is I get to see my family, but I already miss my friends. I guess that once you settle into a routine you miss it once it's gone. Anyway tomorrow (Or later today I guess) a bunch of us are getting together (Via Skype) for a Minecraft Hardcore run to defeat the Ender Dragon. Guess who is the predicted one to die first...yup me. But that's okay. It will be fun. My only problem right now is once again I can't sleep. BUT I'm going to try again anyway...

What?

Emotions are weird. To be honest I almost miss Junior year when I had all but cut them out of my system, but on the other hand I missed them. I keep thinking of the Doctor Who episode "Age of Steal" when the cybermen ask about emotions "Doesn't it hurt?" they ask. Heck yes, it does. but without pain you wouldn't know releif, just like without sorrow you wouldn't know happiness. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wish I had an emotional inhibitor like the cybermen but other times, I'm ok with being human. Just a random thought

Music stuff

Is it weird that I connect to lyrics? Certain lines in some songs just feel like they were written for me you know? Maybe I’m just wired differently than others, I don’t know. Music is such a powerful thing. We use it for comfort, entertainment, (or at least I do). Instrumentals especially. There are no lyrics to get the message across. You have to rely entirely on the FEEL of the music and whatever emotion it stirs in you. The titles of the songs don’t matter. For example there is one I love called Isolation that you expect to be all sad and stuff when really it makes me hopeful. Like things are sure to get better. Just for fun let’s do this:

Things music has taught me

·         Never judge a song by its title:

Just because the title sounds sad does not mean it is just like people who look happy aren’t always as happy as they look (Isolation)

·         “Don’t be scared to walk alone. Don’t be scared to like it” (Age of Worry)

You may find yourself on your own. With no one to be there for you. Don’t freak out. There will always be someone and no matter how alone you feel don’t be afraid to enjoy whatever peace you can get from it. (Learn to be Lonely)

·         Take a break
things may seem hard but soon you may find your hardship is over. You’ll look back and not see how you survived, you may not even be sure it’s ended, but the point is you made it and you changed because of it. That’s life we experience and we learn (The Long Song)

·         You can’t help who you fall in love with
The thing my Mum has been telling me since high school. Self- explanatory (Please Don’t Make Me Love You)

·         Don’t waste your time
You may never get the chance again. Do what needs to be done while you still can.  (A Moment Lost)

·         Everything is Temporary
Friends, relationships, the sun even. It all goes away at some point. (Circle)

·         There is always room to hope
Even when you are dying there can be some sort of optimism.  Rain makes flowers grow (A Little Fall of Rain)

·         Dream Big
Always have a goal. If it changes then that’s fine but don’t lose it. (Santa Fe)

·         Don’t Give Up
If you are trying to achieve something don’t stop until you get it. (Once and for All

·         Size doesn’t mean everything
Just because you are small does not mean you are lesser than anyone. We are all still equals. We all deserve respect  and we all have to earn it (Little People, Once and for All)

Random list of Songs

These give me chills no matter how many times I listen to them:

The Long Song from The Rings of Akhaten

Together or Not at All from Angels Take Manhattan

Misty Mountains from The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

All I Ask of You (instrumental)  from The Phantom of the Opera

Edge of Night from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Doomsday from Doomsday

Doomsday/Sherlock Theme Crossover Fan made.

I Am the Doctor 11's theme from Doctor Who


Bonus:

I liked this cause it was cool Captain Jack Harkness' Theme (On a Side note I love how all the companions have theme tunes that are all pretty and stuff then you have Jack who's theme is all epic and Donna's Theme who's is all Quirky and Upbeat ^_^ )

and

Honourable Mention:
Empty Chairs at Empty Tables from Les Miserables (Because Michael Ball makes me cry everytime with this one)
and
Stars from Les Miserables (Because Philip Quast is amazing!)

Here comes Christmas...

All my friends are either breaking up or getting married. over the semester Mike S. and his girlfriend broke up, Benji and Rylie broke up, Tommy and Courtney...well as far as I know they were never official but still... anyway  today Tim and Liz broke up and Bryce and Sydney broke up. in roughly two weeks Trevin and I are breaking up. I feel bad for Tim though. I talked to him about this kind of thing a lot and he (and I quote) Loved Liz, but she didn't have the same feelings is what I got out of what Tim told me so...Bryce on the other hand was relatively lucky. It was a mutual thing for what I got frokm him but still. I don't know why but I've always been the kind of person who gets upset when other people, especially my friends, are sad, or angry or upset in any way..However I am glad that I finally got this finance crap figured out. So far December is off to an interesting start....

Frusteration and Stress

I'm getting to point where I just want to rip my hair out. When I go to apply for next semester courses it says I can't because I still owe to school $3,573.00 but when I talk to the Student office it says I only owe $1,474. Look either I owe one amount or the other. So which is it?

Random Spill of Everything

    I've been thinking about next semester a lot and decided I don't want it to come yet. Looking back there are a lot of things I would have changed. Things I did that I wouldn't do; things I didn't do that I would have done etc. It's just...there are some things that I know are going to change next semester that I wish wouldn't (and since the two people who read this already know about it ; yes it's the break up I'm referring to) I mean I'm okay with it and all but at the same time it's going to take some adjusting and almost everyone knows I tend to have a difficult time with that, but there are also things I know are going to change that I will enjoy. To be honest I'm not sure what to think.  I try to think that everything that happens is for the best but sometimes I struggle believing that. I don't know. Maybe I'm over thinking this all.
    I'm starting to doubt if I know anything about myself any more. It's like everything I knew about myself was written down or a sheet of paper but now when I look at that paper everything is blank. There's nothing there. My whole personality just washed away like it was never there. Maybe I never had my own personality like my brother Scott says. Maybe that's why I take on the personalities of the people I spend time with. Did people ever like me for me or what they thought I was? Was there ever a 'me' to like? Why am I even thinking about this? Maybe that's why I'm so afraid of being alone. Because I don't know myself, therefore I'm afraid of myself. This blog is for me to pour my thoughts out into so that I can organize them, and also to keep my family updated on what's going on. But my thoughts are a contradiction It really is a jumble of nothing. My head is spinning with thoughts, I just can't get a grasp on them so I don't know what I'm thinking. Can I just go back to Snow and curl up on a bed with a pillow and just stay there? I'm told that sometime you just need to be alone. It's during the times most people recommend it that it scares me most. I guess I'm just weird like that.    

   I'm told I smile too much. I guess that's a good thing because that must mean things are getting better. I remember being told I needed to smile more, but in the words of Wicked "Who can say if I've been changed for the better?" I should go to bed before I start over anylising everything again. good night and thank you for being patient

In Kanab

last night was yet another sleepless night for me. I don't know what's going on but seriously LET ME SLEEP! It's weird being home. I went to the store today and kept thinking I saw my friends from Snow but obviously not. Anyway. just a few more days and I go back. I'm kid of excited, I'm being sent home with dishes, food, and pans! It's an early christmas here...well for me anyway. I'm SO ready to move into my new apartment in a few weeks.

Sleepless Memories

Another one of those sleepless nights for me. I guess I have a lot on my mind thought I don't know what. It's going to be a long night... I keep looking back on happy memories, via pictures (the ones in this post) and keep replaying the event in my head. It's nice. I'm hoping that playing them enough will help me sleep. Wish me luck!

Comic Con (TARDIS for filming)

Comic Con (Are You My Mummy?)

Comic Con (Hail Hydra)

Graduation Announcement  

(Holding the Sun)

Graduation

Graduation

Graduation

Graduation Announcement

(Titanic)

Graduation Announcement

Graduation

Stole Trevin's Hat

Guys & Dolls

Becoming a Mii Fighter

Snowy Day

Last Day of School Junior Year

Graduation

Snow College Homecoming

Time Spent with Trevin

Discoveries

So...I fell asleep at Castilleja again last night around 4:00 am (Watching Doctor Who with Trevin. I think he likes it now) and woke up around 6:00 then went back to my apartment to go back to bed and guess what I found out...I'm scared of being alone. I went back the suites, went to bed, and you know that feeling like you're trapped? Like there is an invisible box around you that keeps shrinking and you can't out? That's how it feels when I'm at the suites. It makes me feel kind of pathetic, being afraid of myself...

Newsflash

For once I would something I don't suck at...ALSO: Newsflash!

I've been thinking about it...For a long time I was thinking about going on a mission. But I don't  I would be good at that either. I mean I don't think a mission is the right thing for me...you know? I know I've been talking about for the last 10 years but honestly I don't think I'm cut out for it. Sure it would (as it has been put) would make my grandma Wilcox proud and yeah she would brag about it for years to come, but that is no basis for going on a mission. So no mission for me. I just don't think it's the right thing for me

Surprise

Sometimes I surprise myself with what comes out of my mouth when I'm half asleep. I was talking to my friend Jared and he said that one of my room mates, Kenzie, would find a return missionary because that whas what she was looking for and "you always find what you're looking for" and my coment with out thinking was "Well sometimes you find things that you aren't looking for" My example? Easy I have a lot of those, and you know what; sometimes the best things aren't the things that you find but the things that find you.

A Shoulder to Cry On and a Hand to Hold

Today is one of those days where I'm an emotional wreck, and what happens? A friend has to have a confrontation with another. I learned today that I can put myself into paralysis in over-emotionally taxing situation. Anyway, the confrontation reminded me of something that happened Freshman year of high school which made me even more emotional than I already was. It was the first time in my life I had been in danger of crying in a public area. Lucky for me I was taken out of the room and just had a moment to let it out. Thank you to Trevin and congrats. You're now one of the few people who have seen me cry; but mostly thank you for comforting me.  and now that it is over, until tomorrow, perhaps, I bid you all a good night and hope you all sleep well and wish you all good dreams.

Rants and Worries

So this Friday I have an appointment with the housing director about my room mate. I am hoping that by the end of it I will be moved out of the suites and into Castilleja with my friends. Another thing is I am hoping to have a job soon; as of right now I have 15 cents to my name. I'm hoping to get a lot of necessities, (You know food, cleaning supplies efficient winter wear  etc. etc.) for Christmas but we will see. If I do end up getting hired it would be nice but at the same time I will not be able to spend as much time with my friends. To be honest I don't think I could ever spend enough time with them. I guess I'm just weird like that, but when I'm with them it's like being at home...I know this is all kind of corny or whatever but our group; we're practically a family. You have Clancy, Bryce, Kyle, Blake, Benji, Daniel, Chris, and even James who are like brothers to me. I feel I can be pretty open with them. (This includes Trevin but obviously I have different feelings towards him than the others) and you have Kelley and Courtney who I can talk to like sisters about girl stuff, though that's not very often that I get all girly and such. I don't know, at the Suites I feel like an outcast, but at Castilleja I feel at home. That could be because I'm over there all the time, but I like to think it's the neighborhood vibe that is in the building anyway.

The sad part is, some of my friends feel like our group is kind of drifting apart. Sometimes I see it too, so I talked to one of the guys in the group because he asked me how I felt about it. I never had a lot of friends and most of the ones I did have left me behind. So, I'm afraid that if the group splits up, I'll be left behind again.  I've lost a lot of people in my life for one reason or other, not always by choice so I'm one of those people who expect to be left behind but still cling on the hope that I won't be.

On another note; don't you hate it when you worry about someone but you feel like, no matter what you try to do, there is nothing that helps that person? When you realize you can't help them you just want to curl up and cry for a while because you care too much, and you hate feeling that powerless so you keep beating yourself about it. No matter how you look at it you just don't know what to say to make them feel better so you just don't say anything, you just sit there holding their hand or something hoping they know you are quietly offering your support and are trying to think of some way to help them. I always complain when my friends worry about me because I end up worrying too much; especially when I feel like there is nothing I can do. I feel inefficient as a friend when this happens and that sucks. I guess happiness and worry can't co-exist.

Reminder

I remember something I once told my English teacher last school year. "For everything good that happens something equally bad must follow" I was told I was being a pessimist, but even today, the second I stop believing that and start thinking that maybe life isn't all that bad after all, I get a slap in the face to remind me of that saying and BAM it proves itself again. Remember my earlier posts where I had never felt happier? I guess all things that go up must come down sometime. It's been a bad week; but somehow I have been blessed with wonderful friends, and a wonderful boyfriend who all in one way or other help me forget what's bothering me. I don't even know for sure what it is that has me down. I'm hoping it will just pass. We will see.

Stress, Fights, and Moving Out

So this morning, one of my room mates yelled, (and by yelling I mean literally and with lots of cuss words) at me about how my room mate that lives in my room does not do her chores as if that was my fault. I'M NEVER HOME! I get up, go to class and then I'm not home until technically the next day, and apparently I'm playing loud music after 11:00 pm. I'm not home until sometimes 5:00 am, and the music I DO play when I get home is Enya and instrumentals on volume setting 12, sometimes lower. I tried to explain this to her and I got more yelling, and more cussing and I just want out. It's been like this the whole semester. I've been more patient with her than anyone else in my life but I can;t so it anymore. I do not need that much tension, and remember that person I told you about that said it was my fault none of the techs were showing up? Same person. I don't know what it is with her that she has to blame me for things that are out of my control. I'm not the kind of person who tries to control other people's lives. Why, of all people does she think I have control of what other people do or don't do. I'm trying to get rid of all the stress in my life. Stress is unnecessary and I don't know about everyone else but I don't want it! SO after a good rant I am going to talk to housing in the hopes that I will get out of there as soon as possible.

Winter is Coming

I step outside to head home for the night. Everything is frosted over and fog is everywhere. prepare for harsh winds and snow because Winter is on the way. and in celebration here are some winter themed images of fairies, angels, etc etc. Enjoy

Growing up, and answering questions

Growing up is weird:

 I honestly feel no different than when I was 16, but things happen, people go out on their own adventure and they change. Some times for the better sometimes for the worse. (I hope I am changing for the better) People find other people, they become friends, or fall in love, then they find THAT person and get married and continue on with their lives. I've been asked if I was ready for that were someone to ask me that one question every little girl dreams about. In all honesty I'm not sure. I know that at some point I do want to get married. I know very few people who don't. But am I ready for that? My family doesn't have the best record in that department. Before marrying my grandma that I know today my Grandpa Jacobs got divorced (I believe), My Dad got divorced twice. My Aunt Heidi and Aunt Cari: I don't even know how many times they have been divorced: I think two or three times...My Grandma and Grandpa Rader just got divorced, and my cousin is filing for divorce...I don't know about everyone else but I want to get married and do it right the first time. There is nothing worse than a family that falls apart especially when you were young when it happened because sometimes, although you know it was probably the right decision for the couple in question, you can't help but wonder if they left because they didn't want you. I can't believe that is true with my family but every now and then the question still shows up. I don't ever want my kids (if I have any) to ever have to ask themselves that question. I've seen what it's done to people and let me tell you it is one of the saddest things in the world

Question: "When did you start liking your boyfriend?"
     
 Well that depends on your definition of 'like' I mean I liked him when we met. I thought he was a cool guy I could get along with and would be a good person to have as a friend; but there is always that one person who mean like as having feelings for. I had this discussion once. You can never really pinpoint the moment you start developing feelings for a person that is why it is called "Developing" I'm STILL developing feelings for Trevin. The scary thing about emotions is that they change constantly. Sure you have the same basic feeling about them but there are different ways those emotions can be felt. Take love for example the most complex emotion of all in my opinion. There is such a thing as unhealthy love. when you start worrying that they are going to just disappear without a second glance so you kind of cling onto them fearing the worst because you care about them so much and you don't expect them to stay but you hope they do anyway. Then you have that love that is the most honest (in my opinion) where you trust that they will do whatever they can to not hurt you even if they leave and you more or less give your heart more openly knowing that they will be gentle with it and that they will not drop it on accident and you are just that more relaxed and no longer feeling like you are fighting for the relationship (whatever kind that might be Platonic or otherwise) and if they decide to leave,you can accept that.

Question: "Why do you put up with Trevin?" 

Earlier this evening I didn't know but I've thought about it: I would never call the time I spend with Trevin as 'Putting up with" him for various reasons. That would suggest I don't enjoy the time we spend together, when it is the highlight of my day. That is when I can relax, have fun, and be comforted knowing that I am around people that I know approve of me. which leads me to the nauseatingly clichè ramble: Those who know me know that I do not have the best relationship history. That said I look back on them and realize that 2 out of three there was something missing and I realized what that something was. (Warning mussy romantic stuff that I usually try to avoid) : When I'm around Trevin I feel like he is actually happy to have me around. Rather because he genuinely enjoys my company or I am the one who currently provides his access to the digital world I don't know...but then sometimes when we make eye contact to me he looks at me like I really am an important person. Yeah he "abuses" me with tickles and such but honestly I don't care. It makes me laugh which is fun; so I get as much amusement out of it as he does, and honestly it hurts when he talks  to people and says "when she breaks up with me..." because I could never see me doing that to anyone unless I saw myself getting hurt by them. I only did it once and that was because I found out the guy was cheating on me. That is the ONLY circumstance I can see me doing that so sir, you're stuck with me until you decide to call it off.

and now that I have had my spill and am almost done eating my dinner I'll leave you to think about that

^_^

Sometimes the simplest things can you you so content with life and you just want to stay there forever, and it just takes the whole day, no matter how hellish or stressful and makes it worth it...yeah today was a good day

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Today is the birthday of one of the guys I love the most. My grandpa. Words can't say how imprtant he has been in my life. Love you Papa.

Random Thought...

The world is a cruel place, but that doesn't mean I have to give in to it....

Ritual?

I just realized I kind of have a routine going now:
get up.
go to class (unless it's Tuesday or Thursday)
go to Castilleja
hang with friends until
A. Trevin decides to go to bed
B. I start falling asleep.

Go home.
Facebook.
update blog if something is on my mind
Open Playlist (usually consisting of instrumentals or soft pretty songs that are stuck in my head)
repeat.

It's nice.. ^_^

Forgive and Forget

Yesterday I got all kinds of dirty looks and snide comments from people in the cast for the Crucible for not being at the tech rehearsal. The problem is I am not on the tech crew this time. When I tried to explain this to the person who was heading the comments she got defensive saying that it was my fault that people aren't showing up for tech and that they have me on the list for being on tech and when I explained that it was a mishap guess who got yelled at. I want to just forget the whole thing but it keeps nagging at me. I'm doing the best I can to please people but...I know you can't please everyone but I can at least try...but the more I think about it the more I realize it doesn't really matter. I can't make everyone like me...You know what. I think going to college was the best thing I could have done for myself. I think I'm finally starting to figure things out and I am SO excited about that

Unexpected Peace

After the DTR which I mentioned in previous posts, I took a few minutes to sit down and evaluate just where I felt I was and how I felt about the relationship I am in and came to a surprising conclusion. I decided that I was investing WAY more emotion into it than necessary at this point and can finally, truthfully say that I will just relax, sit back and see how it turns out. If it doesn't work out then that's ok, I learned a lesson and at least had the experience and I should be happy for the time I had. If it does work out than that's ok too. So all in all I think I have finally accepted that I am over-emotional, and have learned how to fix that. I have made many decisions in my life both good and bad, and now I think that, while I will still make bad choices, I can be able to accept them with more grace and contentment. I believe I am finally on the right path to finding, and accepting myself.

Oh, November, November

It's that time of year again where everyone posts or talks about what they are thankful for while singing Christmas carols. Like most people I have things I am thankful for like friends family circumstances that led me to things that have made me better in one way or other etc. etc. However, unlike most people I will probably not post every day, or week about one or other of these things. My goal is to stop looking on the past (especially mistakes I've made) which is still proving to be easier said than done what happened happened and it's over, good or bad. Right now I'm just trying to fully understand myself. It seems like my friends know more about me than I do; but hey this is college that is part of the experience isn't it? (Unless I'm doing it wrong). Meanwhile I'll just be here, umong my friends while I continue to learn about me.

Happy Halloween!

final costume. either angel or Greek goddess. Trevin noticed I was wearing makeup, and he asked me why. I told him my costume and he but why make up. Nothing is better than a guy who makes you feel beautiful without having to dress up ^_^ So how was my Halloween? Just like any other normal day, but I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Boyfriends, Best Friends, and Just Friends

You know what would be nice? If my best friend would stop plotting my boyfriend's death in my presence. I understand that she doesn't like him (Although reasoning behind the dislike is yet to be proven) but if you insist on doing it please don't do it around me.

Also, if said boyfriend would at least pretend to be indifferent toward said hatred from my friend rather than trying to give her a valid reason to hate him, that would be appreciated as well.

And Thirdly: Yes there was a guy I liked once upon a time and it might have gone somewhere someday, and while said guy and I are still friends and I still care about him, it is in a different context now than it was then, and as for the missionary Trevin is or was waiting for: I don't know what is going on there, and it is none of my business but basically what I got from that discussion is, Things change, people change, feelings change, and trust me I would know. I never thought I'd get in a relationship this soon into starting school, nor did I think I would find myself wanting to tell someone I loved them, and being afraid too. I'm normally not that shy of a person. so that's my motto for this particular update: "Things change, people change, feelings change."

League of Legends, DTR, and Mushrooms

SO! My boyfriend has got me hooked on this game called League of Legends. It's pretty fun, especially when you play with friends like I do! and since we are on that topic, this is where the Mushrooms come in ehehe. My new favourite/best champion is Teemo the swift scout. I swear he is the cutest thing ever here is a pic just so you know where I am coming from:

So like I said ADORABLE. Anyway one of his signature things is to lay explosive mushrooms! and he has the cutest voice and sayings (examples: Captain Teemo on Duty, armed and ready, I'll scout ahead, Size doesn't mean everything, HUP 2 3 4, never underestimate the power of the scout's code, swiftly, and Yes Sir,)

Now back to the boyfriend (I have happily converted him into liking Teemo he used to hate him) he messaged me today and said we needed to DTR. I had no idea what that meant but I later found out it means 'Define the Relationship" I don't know for sure what THAT means but I should find out soon enough and will be sure to keep you updated. LOVE YA!

Halloween, and Stuff

Halloween is this weekend. What's my costume? No idea...
I"m probably going to end up putting it off until last minute and make something up with the clothes in my closet. But oh well. The funnest part will be getting together with my friends We plan on playing a huge game of werewolf, or witness (I'll explain that later). So far the only costume I know is my boyfriend's who is going as Luigi, as for me, i'm still deciding between Loki, a witch, or a mermaid... Have not decided. However I will keep you updated on what happens this crazy/fun week!

Hello Everyone!

 Hello!

So yeah, this is my blog...what about? Anything I feel like ranting about in my life actually...and It's also a way to keep my family updated on my new college life! Anyway a bit about me...
I love theatre, Doctor Who, Sherlock, and such.
I'm a freshman in college and a theatre major
and really that's all I have to say by way of introduction. So that's it. You'll learn more about me as I start updating.

Goodbye my lovelies,
CJ