Broken, hurt, betrayed

There are times when I completely hate myself. When I'm up all night trying to figure out how I could have fixed things in the past. This is one of those times. Sometimes I try to juggle keeping everyone happy and I fail. I fail at a lot of things. I get obsessive when I find something that makes me happy, I know. I try to not be.  But in the end, I get shut out without so much as a full explanation. I'm bitter, I'll admit it. I'm angry and broken and hurt. I feel betrayed. I asked. I expected honesty. I believed her when she said she wasn't mad at me, when she said everything was fine. I should've known better. Now I'm cut off. I JUST WANTED HONESTY! Why didn't she tell me? I would've fixed what was wrong in a heartbeat. Now I'm left behind again, because I was an idiot. My brother was right. I'm just another dumb blonde hiding behind hair dye. Why does everyone leave? Is it just me as a person? Is that why no one would be my friend when I was little? Am I just a bad person by default? I try so hard to do the right things...can't I do anything right? What's the point? I just want to make people happy...but whenever I do something to make ME happy...I tell a story that happened in a conversation with another person, problem is I only have three people who talk to me. I'm going to come off as obsessive. But I have nothing to talk about so I either tell the story and a person gets mad at me for always talking about the other person or I just don't say anything and the person gets mad at me saying they can't talk to me. What's the point in even trying to make friends when everyone leaves in the end?

One year

People say love is the best feeling in the world. They aren't wrong...but they aren't right either. They are forgetting one crucial detail. Being loved in return.

The funny thing about love is that it's so versatile. It can make you the happiest person alive, or the loneliest, or the saddest. In the past year I've felt all of these so...I am speaking from personal experience. Anyway.

 It's been a year and three days since Trevin and I got together and we've had our fair share of hardships from typical relationship drama, to disapproving parents, but in the end we managed to work things out and came out even stronger each time. I can't tell you how lucky I am to have found someone so caring, protective, kind, supportive, patient, faithful, spiritual, and loving as Trevin, someone who puts up with my emotional wreaks day after day and is willing to do all kinds of research just so he can give me the love and support I need. Someone who still loves me no matter how many mistakes I make, and puts up with my falling apart every time I do something wrong, who puts up with my insecurities and does his best to help me through whatever situation I'm in until I can get back on my own feet again. Sure he can be insensitive,snappy, and conceded  at times but in the end he always comes back and apologizes to me for his mistakes and that's all I can ask for. Everyone has their shortcomings, but I don't think the good Lord could have made a better person for me to love. He's willing to talk me through my moods and hold me while I cry until it passes when he can. I couldn't ask for anyone more perfect for my needs. Despite all our rough patches we've always got through it, and I'm confidant that we will continue to find a way to work through whatever comes our way. I can't wait to see what the next year will bring us.