Random Spill of Everything

    I've been thinking about next semester a lot and decided I don't want it to come yet. Looking back there are a lot of things I would have changed. Things I did that I wouldn't do; things I didn't do that I would have done etc. It's just...there are some things that I know are going to change next semester that I wish wouldn't (and since the two people who read this already know about it ; yes it's the break up I'm referring to) I mean I'm okay with it and all but at the same time it's going to take some adjusting and almost everyone knows I tend to have a difficult time with that, but there are also things I know are going to change that I will enjoy. To be honest I'm not sure what to think.  I try to think that everything that happens is for the best but sometimes I struggle believing that. I don't know. Maybe I'm over thinking this all.
    I'm starting to doubt if I know anything about myself any more. It's like everything I knew about myself was written down or a sheet of paper but now when I look at that paper everything is blank. There's nothing there. My whole personality just washed away like it was never there. Maybe I never had my own personality like my brother Scott says. Maybe that's why I take on the personalities of the people I spend time with. Did people ever like me for me or what they thought I was? Was there ever a 'me' to like? Why am I even thinking about this? Maybe that's why I'm so afraid of being alone. Because I don't know myself, therefore I'm afraid of myself. This blog is for me to pour my thoughts out into so that I can organize them, and also to keep my family updated on what's going on. But my thoughts are a contradiction It really is a jumble of nothing. My head is spinning with thoughts, I just can't get a grasp on them so I don't know what I'm thinking. Can I just go back to Snow and curl up on a bed with a pillow and just stay there? I'm told that sometime you just need to be alone. It's during the times most people recommend it that it scares me most. I guess I'm just weird like that.    

   I'm told I smile too much. I guess that's a good thing because that must mean things are getting better. I remember being told I needed to smile more, but in the words of Wicked "Who can say if I've been changed for the better?" I should go to bed before I start over anylising everything again. good night and thank you for being patient

In Kanab

last night was yet another sleepless night for me. I don't know what's going on but seriously LET ME SLEEP! It's weird being home. I went to the store today and kept thinking I saw my friends from Snow but obviously not. Anyway. just a few more days and I go back. I'm kid of excited, I'm being sent home with dishes, food, and pans! It's an early christmas here...well for me anyway. I'm SO ready to move into my new apartment in a few weeks.

Sleepless Memories

Another one of those sleepless nights for me. I guess I have a lot on my mind thought I don't know what. It's going to be a long night... I keep looking back on happy memories, via pictures (the ones in this post) and keep replaying the event in my head. It's nice. I'm hoping that playing them enough will help me sleep. Wish me luck!

Comic Con (TARDIS for filming)

Comic Con (Are You My Mummy?)

Comic Con (Hail Hydra)

Graduation Announcement  

(Holding the Sun)

Graduation

Graduation

Graduation

Graduation Announcement

(Titanic)

Graduation Announcement

Graduation

Stole Trevin's Hat

Guys & Dolls

Becoming a Mii Fighter

Snowy Day

Last Day of School Junior Year

Graduation

Snow College Homecoming

Time Spent with Trevin

Discoveries

So...I fell asleep at Castilleja again last night around 4:00 am (Watching Doctor Who with Trevin. I think he likes it now) and woke up around 6:00 then went back to my apartment to go back to bed and guess what I found out...I'm scared of being alone. I went back the suites, went to bed, and you know that feeling like you're trapped? Like there is an invisible box around you that keeps shrinking and you can't out? That's how it feels when I'm at the suites. It makes me feel kind of pathetic, being afraid of myself...

Newsflash

For once I would something I don't suck at...ALSO: Newsflash!

I've been thinking about it...For a long time I was thinking about going on a mission. But I don't  I would be good at that either. I mean I don't think a mission is the right thing for me...you know? I know I've been talking about for the last 10 years but honestly I don't think I'm cut out for it. Sure it would (as it has been put) would make my grandma Wilcox proud and yeah she would brag about it for years to come, but that is no basis for going on a mission. So no mission for me. I just don't think it's the right thing for me

Surprise

Sometimes I surprise myself with what comes out of my mouth when I'm half asleep. I was talking to my friend Jared and he said that one of my room mates, Kenzie, would find a return missionary because that whas what she was looking for and "you always find what you're looking for" and my coment with out thinking was "Well sometimes you find things that you aren't looking for" My example? Easy I have a lot of those, and you know what; sometimes the best things aren't the things that you find but the things that find you.

A Shoulder to Cry On and a Hand to Hold

Today is one of those days where I'm an emotional wreck, and what happens? A friend has to have a confrontation with another. I learned today that I can put myself into paralysis in over-emotionally taxing situation. Anyway, the confrontation reminded me of something that happened Freshman year of high school which made me even more emotional than I already was. It was the first time in my life I had been in danger of crying in a public area. Lucky for me I was taken out of the room and just had a moment to let it out. Thank you to Trevin and congrats. You're now one of the few people who have seen me cry; but mostly thank you for comforting me.  and now that it is over, until tomorrow, perhaps, I bid you all a good night and hope you all sleep well and wish you all good dreams.

Rants and Worries

So this Friday I have an appointment with the housing director about my room mate. I am hoping that by the end of it I will be moved out of the suites and into Castilleja with my friends. Another thing is I am hoping to have a job soon; as of right now I have 15 cents to my name. I'm hoping to get a lot of necessities, (You know food, cleaning supplies efficient winter wear  etc. etc.) for Christmas but we will see. If I do end up getting hired it would be nice but at the same time I will not be able to spend as much time with my friends. To be honest I don't think I could ever spend enough time with them. I guess I'm just weird like that, but when I'm with them it's like being at home...I know this is all kind of corny or whatever but our group; we're practically a family. You have Clancy, Bryce, Kyle, Blake, Benji, Daniel, Chris, and even James who are like brothers to me. I feel I can be pretty open with them. (This includes Trevin but obviously I have different feelings towards him than the others) and you have Kelley and Courtney who I can talk to like sisters about girl stuff, though that's not very often that I get all girly and such. I don't know, at the Suites I feel like an outcast, but at Castilleja I feel at home. That could be because I'm over there all the time, but I like to think it's the neighborhood vibe that is in the building anyway.

The sad part is, some of my friends feel like our group is kind of drifting apart. Sometimes I see it too, so I talked to one of the guys in the group because he asked me how I felt about it. I never had a lot of friends and most of the ones I did have left me behind. So, I'm afraid that if the group splits up, I'll be left behind again.  I've lost a lot of people in my life for one reason or other, not always by choice so I'm one of those people who expect to be left behind but still cling on the hope that I won't be.

On another note; don't you hate it when you worry about someone but you feel like, no matter what you try to do, there is nothing that helps that person? When you realize you can't help them you just want to curl up and cry for a while because you care too much, and you hate feeling that powerless so you keep beating yourself about it. No matter how you look at it you just don't know what to say to make them feel better so you just don't say anything, you just sit there holding their hand or something hoping they know you are quietly offering your support and are trying to think of some way to help them. I always complain when my friends worry about me because I end up worrying too much; especially when I feel like there is nothing I can do. I feel inefficient as a friend when this happens and that sucks. I guess happiness and worry can't co-exist.

Reminder

I remember something I once told my English teacher last school year. "For everything good that happens something equally bad must follow" I was told I was being a pessimist, but even today, the second I stop believing that and start thinking that maybe life isn't all that bad after all, I get a slap in the face to remind me of that saying and BAM it proves itself again. Remember my earlier posts where I had never felt happier? I guess all things that go up must come down sometime. It's been a bad week; but somehow I have been blessed with wonderful friends, and a wonderful boyfriend who all in one way or other help me forget what's bothering me. I don't even know for sure what it is that has me down. I'm hoping it will just pass. We will see.

Stress, Fights, and Moving Out

So this morning, one of my room mates yelled, (and by yelling I mean literally and with lots of cuss words) at me about how my room mate that lives in my room does not do her chores as if that was my fault. I'M NEVER HOME! I get up, go to class and then I'm not home until technically the next day, and apparently I'm playing loud music after 11:00 pm. I'm not home until sometimes 5:00 am, and the music I DO play when I get home is Enya and instrumentals on volume setting 12, sometimes lower. I tried to explain this to her and I got more yelling, and more cussing and I just want out. It's been like this the whole semester. I've been more patient with her than anyone else in my life but I can;t so it anymore. I do not need that much tension, and remember that person I told you about that said it was my fault none of the techs were showing up? Same person. I don't know what it is with her that she has to blame me for things that are out of my control. I'm not the kind of person who tries to control other people's lives. Why, of all people does she think I have control of what other people do or don't do. I'm trying to get rid of all the stress in my life. Stress is unnecessary and I don't know about everyone else but I don't want it! SO after a good rant I am going to talk to housing in the hopes that I will get out of there as soon as possible.

Winter is Coming

I step outside to head home for the night. Everything is frosted over and fog is everywhere. prepare for harsh winds and snow because Winter is on the way. and in celebration here are some winter themed images of fairies, angels, etc etc. Enjoy

Growing up, and answering questions

Growing up is weird:

 I honestly feel no different than when I was 16, but things happen, people go out on their own adventure and they change. Some times for the better sometimes for the worse. (I hope I am changing for the better) People find other people, they become friends, or fall in love, then they find THAT person and get married and continue on with their lives. I've been asked if I was ready for that were someone to ask me that one question every little girl dreams about. In all honesty I'm not sure. I know that at some point I do want to get married. I know very few people who don't. But am I ready for that? My family doesn't have the best record in that department. Before marrying my grandma that I know today my Grandpa Jacobs got divorced (I believe), My Dad got divorced twice. My Aunt Heidi and Aunt Cari: I don't even know how many times they have been divorced: I think two or three times...My Grandma and Grandpa Rader just got divorced, and my cousin is filing for divorce...I don't know about everyone else but I want to get married and do it right the first time. There is nothing worse than a family that falls apart especially when you were young when it happened because sometimes, although you know it was probably the right decision for the couple in question, you can't help but wonder if they left because they didn't want you. I can't believe that is true with my family but every now and then the question still shows up. I don't ever want my kids (if I have any) to ever have to ask themselves that question. I've seen what it's done to people and let me tell you it is one of the saddest things in the world

Question: "When did you start liking your boyfriend?"
     
 Well that depends on your definition of 'like' I mean I liked him when we met. I thought he was a cool guy I could get along with and would be a good person to have as a friend; but there is always that one person who mean like as having feelings for. I had this discussion once. You can never really pinpoint the moment you start developing feelings for a person that is why it is called "Developing" I'm STILL developing feelings for Trevin. The scary thing about emotions is that they change constantly. Sure you have the same basic feeling about them but there are different ways those emotions can be felt. Take love for example the most complex emotion of all in my opinion. There is such a thing as unhealthy love. when you start worrying that they are going to just disappear without a second glance so you kind of cling onto them fearing the worst because you care about them so much and you don't expect them to stay but you hope they do anyway. Then you have that love that is the most honest (in my opinion) where you trust that they will do whatever they can to not hurt you even if they leave and you more or less give your heart more openly knowing that they will be gentle with it and that they will not drop it on accident and you are just that more relaxed and no longer feeling like you are fighting for the relationship (whatever kind that might be Platonic or otherwise) and if they decide to leave,you can accept that.

Question: "Why do you put up with Trevin?" 

Earlier this evening I didn't know but I've thought about it: I would never call the time I spend with Trevin as 'Putting up with" him for various reasons. That would suggest I don't enjoy the time we spend together, when it is the highlight of my day. That is when I can relax, have fun, and be comforted knowing that I am around people that I know approve of me. which leads me to the nauseatingly clichè ramble: Those who know me know that I do not have the best relationship history. That said I look back on them and realize that 2 out of three there was something missing and I realized what that something was. (Warning mussy romantic stuff that I usually try to avoid) : When I'm around Trevin I feel like he is actually happy to have me around. Rather because he genuinely enjoys my company or I am the one who currently provides his access to the digital world I don't know...but then sometimes when we make eye contact to me he looks at me like I really am an important person. Yeah he "abuses" me with tickles and such but honestly I don't care. It makes me laugh which is fun; so I get as much amusement out of it as he does, and honestly it hurts when he talks  to people and says "when she breaks up with me..." because I could never see me doing that to anyone unless I saw myself getting hurt by them. I only did it once and that was because I found out the guy was cheating on me. That is the ONLY circumstance I can see me doing that so sir, you're stuck with me until you decide to call it off.

and now that I have had my spill and am almost done eating my dinner I'll leave you to think about that

^_^

Sometimes the simplest things can you you so content with life and you just want to stay there forever, and it just takes the whole day, no matter how hellish or stressful and makes it worth it...yeah today was a good day

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Today is the birthday of one of the guys I love the most. My grandpa. Words can't say how imprtant he has been in my life. Love you Papa.

Random Thought...

The world is a cruel place, but that doesn't mean I have to give in to it....

Ritual?

I just realized I kind of have a routine going now:
get up.
go to class (unless it's Tuesday or Thursday)
go to Castilleja
hang with friends until
A. Trevin decides to go to bed
B. I start falling asleep.

Go home.
Facebook.
update blog if something is on my mind
Open Playlist (usually consisting of instrumentals or soft pretty songs that are stuck in my head)
repeat.

It's nice.. ^_^

Forgive and Forget

Yesterday I got all kinds of dirty looks and snide comments from people in the cast for the Crucible for not being at the tech rehearsal. The problem is I am not on the tech crew this time. When I tried to explain this to the person who was heading the comments she got defensive saying that it was my fault that people aren't showing up for tech and that they have me on the list for being on tech and when I explained that it was a mishap guess who got yelled at. I want to just forget the whole thing but it keeps nagging at me. I'm doing the best I can to please people but...I know you can't please everyone but I can at least try...but the more I think about it the more I realize it doesn't really matter. I can't make everyone like me...You know what. I think going to college was the best thing I could have done for myself. I think I'm finally starting to figure things out and I am SO excited about that

Unexpected Peace

After the DTR which I mentioned in previous posts, I took a few minutes to sit down and evaluate just where I felt I was and how I felt about the relationship I am in and came to a surprising conclusion. I decided that I was investing WAY more emotion into it than necessary at this point and can finally, truthfully say that I will just relax, sit back and see how it turns out. If it doesn't work out then that's ok, I learned a lesson and at least had the experience and I should be happy for the time I had. If it does work out than that's ok too. So all in all I think I have finally accepted that I am over-emotional, and have learned how to fix that. I have made many decisions in my life both good and bad, and now I think that, while I will still make bad choices, I can be able to accept them with more grace and contentment. I believe I am finally on the right path to finding, and accepting myself.

Oh, November, November

It's that time of year again where everyone posts or talks about what they are thankful for while singing Christmas carols. Like most people I have things I am thankful for like friends family circumstances that led me to things that have made me better in one way or other etc. etc. However, unlike most people I will probably not post every day, or week about one or other of these things. My goal is to stop looking on the past (especially mistakes I've made) which is still proving to be easier said than done what happened happened and it's over, good or bad. Right now I'm just trying to fully understand myself. It seems like my friends know more about me than I do; but hey this is college that is part of the experience isn't it? (Unless I'm doing it wrong). Meanwhile I'll just be here, umong my friends while I continue to learn about me.