Rants and Worries

So this Friday I have an appointment with the housing director about my room mate. I am hoping that by the end of it I will be moved out of the suites and into Castilleja with my friends. Another thing is I am hoping to have a job soon; as of right now I have 15 cents to my name. I'm hoping to get a lot of necessities, (You know food, cleaning supplies efficient winter wear  etc. etc.) for Christmas but we will see. If I do end up getting hired it would be nice but at the same time I will not be able to spend as much time with my friends. To be honest I don't think I could ever spend enough time with them. I guess I'm just weird like that, but when I'm with them it's like being at home...I know this is all kind of corny or whatever but our group; we're practically a family. You have Clancy, Bryce, Kyle, Blake, Benji, Daniel, Chris, and even James who are like brothers to me. I feel I can be pretty open with them. (This includes Trevin but obviously I have different feelings towards him than the others) and you have Kelley and Courtney who I can talk to like sisters about girl stuff, though that's not very often that I get all girly and such. I don't know, at the Suites I feel like an outcast, but at Castilleja I feel at home. That could be because I'm over there all the time, but I like to think it's the neighborhood vibe that is in the building anyway.

The sad part is, some of my friends feel like our group is kind of drifting apart. Sometimes I see it too, so I talked to one of the guys in the group because he asked me how I felt about it. I never had a lot of friends and most of the ones I did have left me behind. So, I'm afraid that if the group splits up, I'll be left behind again.  I've lost a lot of people in my life for one reason or other, not always by choice so I'm one of those people who expect to be left behind but still cling on the hope that I won't be.

On another note; don't you hate it when you worry about someone but you feel like, no matter what you try to do, there is nothing that helps that person? When you realize you can't help them you just want to curl up and cry for a while because you care too much, and you hate feeling that powerless so you keep beating yourself about it. No matter how you look at it you just don't know what to say to make them feel better so you just don't say anything, you just sit there holding their hand or something hoping they know you are quietly offering your support and are trying to think of some way to help them. I always complain when my friends worry about me because I end up worrying too much; especially when I feel like there is nothing I can do. I feel inefficient as a friend when this happens and that sucks. I guess happiness and worry can't co-exist.