Worried

My grandma was in the hospital...Normally this is the part where Bryce asks if I need to take a walk, I say yes and I pour out what's bothering me, or Trevin asks what's wrong and I let it out...or some friend or other is there to tell me it's going to be okay. But I'm not at Snow. It's 4:32 am  and everyone is asleep. Last time this happened I knew I needed to be around people. James noticed I'd been crying and we went upstairs so I could talk about it. I worry when Grandma has to go to the hospital. I know she's strong spirited but she also seems so fragile lately...

On other news: Everyone seems to think I'm depressed. There are only two posts on this blog where I can say it is validated. A lot of things that I've posted about on here that others may see as depressing to me seem thought provoking or inspirational. Guess I'm just different like that but to say that I think I'm "worthless, useless, helpless, friendless, and hopeless."

Worthless? well, I'd have to say no on that.

Useless? Well Grandpa always says I'm good for nothing,and as far as I know he's right. I don't get paid for being good! When I feel like I can't do anything to help fix a situation  for someone I care about. yeah.

 Helpless? Yeah, sometimes I feel helpless. Mostly when I don't know how to help a friend. Though I've been told I don't even know how to help myself, so sure. I feel helpless sometimes. Doesn't everyone?

 Friendless? Never. Are you kidding me? How can I feel friendless when I have over a dozen fantastic people who I know will always be there for me? In fact I think that's most of my problem is that I miss my friends. I never seem to be able to spend enough time with them before a break and not miss them the second I get off campus. I know Mum says all of them are welcome at any time but 1. we would probably have to be picked up in the bus (for those in the audience who don't know our family owns a school bus) 2. They have their own families that miss them too. 3. tight rooming arrangements...Dad would probably end up pitching tents in the back yard or there would be sleeping bags everywhere.

 Hopeless? I admit it's sometimes hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel (and I use the term 'Sometimes' very loosely here) and I get lost, but that's where my friend come in and set me back on the right track. I just need to get back to my friends is all It's weird not being able to see them all everyday and as I've mentioned before I get used to things and it's hard for me to let go right away. Breaks are hard on me. I miss my friends more than anything.

 It's tough on me to leave my friends, but at the same time I don't want them to feel like they have to slowly pry me off with a crowbar either. I know I can be clingy. I guess I'm just afraid that one day I'll wake up and find that all of it was a dream because it's going so well...

The Adventure for Pulled Pork

I went to 3 bears for food and was waiting for about half an hour so I stole a pen and started drawing on napkins well writing mostly names of all the friends I made at school, what classes I registered for and a graph of who liked who and unsures and mixed signals etc (Seems Kelly had the most in both directions). then after that this guy on table 10 (I was on table 2) came up to me with a business card (according to the card he's from Canada and it said "Do things with pride, honor, dignity, and God in your heart" anyway he hands me this card and a bag a chips and says "You look like you're having a bad day" I just smiled and said "It's ok I work here" And then he says "Well you look like you're having a bad day and I had to much to eat *hands me the chips* So here you go and if you ever find yourself lost in life...*hands the card*" So I look at it and at the bottom he wrote "Don't be an option in somebody's life when you can be a priority in someone else's" and I was looking down at the card smiling and Linda (Who was at table 8, which is right next to two says "so what's his name?" and I laugh and say "what's who's name?" and she says "well it looked like you were texting some boy". The guy who gave me the card is now at table one helping some French tourists find the way to the coral pink sand dunes on a map. and I said "I'm just reading a card, and Linda his name was Trevin and he broke up with me last week" and the guy to gave me the card just kinda looks up and winks at me. It was a good experience for me cause the guy was kinda right I'm still sick and then I was sore and tired from the 2 1/2 mile walk to the shop the had to wait half an hour to get my food and well after looking at my list of friends I had made (total of 16 0_0 ) and seeing (again) how blessed I am to have found, in away, my own family (I guess that's my spell on the carriage) I was already in a better mood but this man added his own place in making my day. I guess sometimes we just end up at the right place, at the right time with the right people to remind you that not everything is that bad and while we're on that subject I want to apologize to said friends for being so down lately (though in all fairness most the things I blog about that a certain someone sees as depressing I just see as thought provoking..except maybe that last post he's validated for that one)  Just give me about a week and I should be back to normal...maybe...we'll see just in case I'm looking into a few things. See you all next week!

thoughts

Why can't I function like a normal human being? Why do my definitions of things have to be different? Everyone else seems to view things as black and white. Why do I see grey? Example when my Mum asked if Trevin and I were serious; if we were then we were planning on getting married if not he was playing me the whole time, Why can't there be an in between? I mean, I wasn't planning on marriage or anything but I wasn't just messing around either. I used to take pride in being different from everyone else but now I'm not so sure. Why can't I be normal like other people? Why am I only happy around other people? Why can't life be simpler? I don't want to be different anymore. I'd like to be on the same page as everyone else, not behind...

...

I'm debating canceling this blog. Thoughts?

Funny work stories

Well I can now say the break up has caused a few funny stories at work! the day after for small talk everyone asked me how long I had been married. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A RING ON! (not even my Watson ring or CTR ring because the sanitizer gets underneath and leaves painful red marks in the place the ring was) then last night my Mum asked about Trevin and I mentioned the break up and my grandma Wilcox  says "What? Word around town is you're engaged!" (Thanks Nicole Herzog for that btw) "well I'm glad. You haven't had enough fun yet" While a bit harsh I still found this comment funny. So far it's just those two for now but I'll keep you posted on any others

Unexpected Journey Continued

So I wasn't completely honest with my reasoning for my hesitation. There's more to it than that. Yeah it felt like cheating but when I remembered I was single I didn't say yes right away. My feelings for Trevin haven't changed and I'm not sure if they ever will. He's done too much for me even if he doesn't know it, Anyway, I didn't think that was fair to Tim but Trevin said the whole point of the break up was to keep our options open so I figured why not. It's just one date. So I'm giving it a shot.
Sometimes I hate that I can't lie. Not even partially. I always turn around and spill. Why do I do that?

BORED!

Could't get to sleep so I started to draw some colour pencil sketches of fond memories of last semester. only got one done. would have been at least two if I could get Clancy's glasses right!

Next up?

These two will be interesting to do ^

An Unexpected Journey...I Mean Event.

So, to avoid awkward comments/questions I've been slowly letting my group of friends know that Trevin and I broke up and I got to Tim the other day and he messaged me today asking me if I wanted to go on a date after break. I was a little hesitant to say yes. With thing between Trevin and I practically the same as we were I sometimes forget we broke up in the first place so for a second I felt like saying yes would be cheating but then I remembered I'm single and said yes. It will be an adventure for sure and Tim (For those int he audience who don't know him) is a really good guy and lots of fun. He also has recently had a break up so we'll see how it goes I guess..

New Year on the Way

Every year I find a song that expresses what I want to be that year. I found my song for 2015 quite by accident and I wanted to share it with you. So...
Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus Real

Merry Christmas

I apologize for my last post. It's been a draining week all around for me and needed to get it out somehow. Woke up feeling much better this morning, and also got some questions answered which also helped. So far it's been a good Christmas.

Welcome to Week "I'm Fine"

This week is just eating me alive. First the blackout then the next day I go to the job of pain after going to the ER then Trevin breaks up with me then today, I almost black out at work, messed up again and again ,got a table mad at me, got crappy tips (which is basically where any money I earn comes from) ,I'm in physical pain all over my body (not from work) I spill things on customers, drop their food, mess up orders, make double orders, make an idiot of myself (A common occurrence, really) not to mention all my plans for new years eve were taken. Then morning shift telling me that my shift didn't do anything (also typical). Then my loan STILL not going through. I've yet to have one night this week that I don't cry myself to sleep. It's just to much for me to cope within the duration of three days. Kinda shoots Christmas out of the sky doesn't it? And what do I say when asked if I'm okay? "I'm Fine" Automatic answer. It just comes out. I want to say "No, my emotions are falling apart inside me and I don't know how to put  myself together again" There is nothing I can pinpoint as to it all it just all the things keep piling up making each other thing worse than it already was. I'm just so upset, and stressed, and frustrated, and feel very much alone that it's just overwhelming my emotions and I don't know how to turn them off again.

Insecurities: The List

Figured this would be a good idea:

1. Being left behind/alone
2. Never being good enough
3. That my younger brother is right about me.
4. I'll end up like my older brother
5. Divorce
6. Never marry
7. Suicide

Discovery

I think I know at least part of the reason I blacked out yesterday. (thank you Doctor Who for this) Salt deficiency. I was looking at a bag of chips at work today and realised I have had hardly any salt all month and as mentioned in the second episode of season three, 'Smith and Jones' one of the common symptoms of salt deficiency is blacking out. dehydration, and sleep deprivation could also be factors as well as something my cousin told me:"having (emotions) all held in can cause a lot of problems like ... Lack of sleep... fainting.. eating disorders, anger problems, depression, weight lost, bad dreams, even sickness like colds and flu" May do a little more research on that later. After yesterday's events I have a cut and lovely bruise from my fall along with some carpet burn and an aching kneecap. Fun Fun! Anyway everyone was right. after a few months away from work I need a lot of refreshing. (Let's just say I did not like that job and deleted everything). Luckily we close at eight now so I can come home and do a bit of whatever.

Adventures (Part Two)

Well, it's not everyday you black out in front of a whole congregation and their families but somehow I managed to pull it off. Lucky me. The worst part is I almost cried in front of them too. Only Four people outside my family have seen me cry. Joyce, Nikki, my drama coach (Linda) and Trevin. In that order. I'm not used to crying. Ever since fall break I've been tearing up left and right over the stupidest things. Sometimes I think of emotions as a disadvantage. "A chemical defect found on the losing side" if you want a quote. Other times I don't know what to think of them. It's all very frustrating. ANYWAY back to the blackout fiasco: They were looking for volunteers for the ward choir Christmas program in sacrament and they asked my dad so he came to me and said. "If I'm being dragged into this you are too." so I said okay. half way through I see black dots, hearing goes fuzzy, then I can't hear anything everything is black I feel myself fall then nothing for a moment then There is a new member and brother Church standing over me, Mariah Wheeler, my drama coach's daughter's hand on my shoulder and then I was lead to my seat and sat there for the rest of sacrament singing while everyone else is standing (Needless to say I was embarrassed) the my old land lady, Conné Lord gave me a  ride home after brother Church recommended it (and I figured it was a good idea to listen to him as he works in the hospital)It's funny I always thought fainting was a myth. Guess I was wrong. To be honest I black out more than you'd think. This is just the first time I haven't been able to catch myself.  So now I'm here recording my adventure on my blog...of course I just told my parents my knee gave out. I f I told them the truth they'd freak out and try to take my to the hospital or something and we an't afford that where as my knee giving out has turned into a natural occurrence at our house they wouldn't worry as much.

Adventures

Four more days until Christmas. Am I excited? Sure. All I really want for Christmas now is for all my friends to be able to come back next semester. It's going to be weird enough without Clancy. He left for boot camp a few days before I came home. Anyway today was a great day. played some Minecraft and skyping my friends then Trevin Skyped with me for a couple hours. I love skyping with him even if we don't say anything...There's just something oddly comforting in the sound of computer keys.

YAY DRUGS!

Before you jump to conclusions, by drugs I mean Melatonin. Finally getting some decent sleep!

ANYWAY, earlier this week I was advised to take a step back, quit worrying about the problems my friends are facing and take a look at my own and figure out what I'm so insecure about. I think I found at least part of the problem. I focus too much one what people say I'm not. Like my brother for instance who tells me all the time I'm not smart or skilled , or talented in any way, I'm not pretty, I'm not independent, I have no personality, I deserve to be alone; the list goes on and on. Instead I should focus more on the fact that there is someone who thinks I am smart, pretty, kind, strong, wise (There is a difference between smart and wise), talented and just all around fantastic just the way I am. Yeah every now and then I need someone to remind me but don't we all? Sometimes there are small ways of saying you care such as "Go to bed. Go directly to bed. Do not pass 'Go'. Do not collect $200" or even "You're a dork". but even then saying "Hey! You're brilliant" or "You're Fantastic" can go a long way. Just a thought for the evening.

Here we go again...

Another one of those days where I miss my friends to the point that I want to cry. That dream I had last night doesn't help either. I guess it was just my insecurities leaking from my subconsciousness because if I met me I'd probably annoy the crap out of myself.

Worst. Dream. Ever.

So I just had a dream that I was back at school and my friends locked me in a room by myself and wouldn't talk to me. I had to sit in the room and watch as they all had fun without me while I couldn't do anything. I pounded on the door until someone came in, but they tied me to the chair and left again. Then I woke up. If you remember my worst fear from earlier you'll see why it scared me so bad. Do I think this will happen? Well I sure hope not but sometimes when I dream about things involving people I know they tend to happen...here's hoping it's not one of those dreams.

Another wonderful day. Got to see my grandparents, and my choir. Then three shooting stars. so I want to extend those three wishes to everyone. So go ahead. Close your eyes and make some wishes. Who knows maybe they will come true. I know mine did.

Fair is Fair

Please don't look at this as depressing. For me it's a happy thing because I learned something new about myself  but I was just thinking about this episode of Doctor Who where there is this hotel and each visitor has their own room and in that room is their greatest fear. Ever since I saw that episode I wondered what I would consider my biggest fear. At first I would have said snakes or death or something like that. I just realized what it is. Ending up alone. That's what scares me the most. My brother was listening to that song "If today were your last day" at the same time I was thinking about that episode and I decided that the saddest thing ever would be to die alone. Anyway I thought that since my cousin told me her worst fear,  it was only fair I post mine as well so there you go.

Hardcore Run Recap

I died. Everyone died. It was fun though,, I wish I was better at...well...living. ANYWAY, sounds like we're going at it again so let's see how we do this time. and here's wishing all my friends a fantastic Christmas this year

Welcome Home

Good news: s of five days ago I'm over that bought of depression. It comes and goes now and then.  So, I'm home for winter break and I'm home until January...well I don't know, Dad has an O.A. thing in Ephraim early January and he might take me home then. I just noticed that I refer to both Snow, and Kanab as  home. Point is I get to see my family, but I already miss my friends. I guess that once you settle into a routine you miss it once it's gone. Anyway tomorrow (Or later today I guess) a bunch of us are getting together (Via Skype) for a Minecraft Hardcore run to defeat the Ender Dragon. Guess who is the predicted one to die first...yup me. But that's okay. It will be fun. My only problem right now is once again I can't sleep. BUT I'm going to try again anyway...

What?

Emotions are weird. To be honest I almost miss Junior year when I had all but cut them out of my system, but on the other hand I missed them. I keep thinking of the Doctor Who episode "Age of Steal" when the cybermen ask about emotions "Doesn't it hurt?" they ask. Heck yes, it does. but without pain you wouldn't know releif, just like without sorrow you wouldn't know happiness. You know what I mean? Sometimes I wish I had an emotional inhibitor like the cybermen but other times, I'm ok with being human. Just a random thought

Music stuff

Is it weird that I connect to lyrics? Certain lines in some songs just feel like they were written for me you know? Maybe I’m just wired differently than others, I don’t know. Music is such a powerful thing. We use it for comfort, entertainment, (or at least I do). Instrumentals especially. There are no lyrics to get the message across. You have to rely entirely on the FEEL of the music and whatever emotion it stirs in you. The titles of the songs don’t matter. For example there is one I love called Isolation that you expect to be all sad and stuff when really it makes me hopeful. Like things are sure to get better. Just for fun let’s do this:

Things music has taught me

·         Never judge a song by its title:

Just because the title sounds sad does not mean it is just like people who look happy aren’t always as happy as they look (Isolation)

·         “Don’t be scared to walk alone. Don’t be scared to like it” (Age of Worry)

You may find yourself on your own. With no one to be there for you. Don’t freak out. There will always be someone and no matter how alone you feel don’t be afraid to enjoy whatever peace you can get from it. (Learn to be Lonely)

·         Take a break
things may seem hard but soon you may find your hardship is over. You’ll look back and not see how you survived, you may not even be sure it’s ended, but the point is you made it and you changed because of it. That’s life we experience and we learn (The Long Song)

·         You can’t help who you fall in love with
The thing my Mum has been telling me since high school. Self- explanatory (Please Don’t Make Me Love You)

·         Don’t waste your time
You may never get the chance again. Do what needs to be done while you still can.  (A Moment Lost)

·         Everything is Temporary
Friends, relationships, the sun even. It all goes away at some point. (Circle)

·         There is always room to hope
Even when you are dying there can be some sort of optimism.  Rain makes flowers grow (A Little Fall of Rain)

·         Dream Big
Always have a goal. If it changes then that’s fine but don’t lose it. (Santa Fe)

·         Don’t Give Up
If you are trying to achieve something don’t stop until you get it. (Once and for All

·         Size doesn’t mean everything
Just because you are small does not mean you are lesser than anyone. We are all still equals. We all deserve respect  and we all have to earn it (Little People, Once and for All)

Random list of Songs

These give me chills no matter how many times I listen to them:

The Long Song from The Rings of Akhaten

Together or Not at All from Angels Take Manhattan

Misty Mountains from The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

All I Ask of You (instrumental)  from The Phantom of the Opera

Edge of Night from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Doomsday from Doomsday

Doomsday/Sherlock Theme Crossover Fan made.

I Am the Doctor 11's theme from Doctor Who


Bonus:

I liked this cause it was cool Captain Jack Harkness' Theme (On a Side note I love how all the companions have theme tunes that are all pretty and stuff then you have Jack who's theme is all epic and Donna's Theme who's is all Quirky and Upbeat ^_^ )

and

Honourable Mention:
Empty Chairs at Empty Tables from Les Miserables (Because Michael Ball makes me cry everytime with this one)
and
Stars from Les Miserables (Because Philip Quast is amazing!)

Here comes Christmas...

All my friends are either breaking up or getting married. over the semester Mike S. and his girlfriend broke up, Benji and Rylie broke up, Tommy and Courtney...well as far as I know they were never official but still... anyway  today Tim and Liz broke up and Bryce and Sydney broke up. in roughly two weeks Trevin and I are breaking up. I feel bad for Tim though. I talked to him about this kind of thing a lot and he (and I quote) Loved Liz, but she didn't have the same feelings is what I got out of what Tim told me so...Bryce on the other hand was relatively lucky. It was a mutual thing for what I got frokm him but still. I don't know why but I've always been the kind of person who gets upset when other people, especially my friends, are sad, or angry or upset in any way..However I am glad that I finally got this finance crap figured out. So far December is off to an interesting start....

Frusteration and Stress

I'm getting to point where I just want to rip my hair out. When I go to apply for next semester courses it says I can't because I still owe to school $3,573.00 but when I talk to the Student office it says I only owe $1,474. Look either I owe one amount or the other. So which is it?