One of those days

Ever had one of those days when nothing goes right from the second you wake up? Like, as soon as you're fully awake you just break into tears and it only gets worse from there? Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly on the back burner. Sometimes I feel like the people close to me see me get emotional and just think, "here we go again" and just try to ignore the fact that I'm hurting. I know I get emotional really easily, I can't help it. Grief, Sadness, Disappointment, Regret, Insecurity, Fear, Paranoia, the feeling you let someone down...the feeling that a loved one doesn't trust you...The feeling you can't do anything right...That's what I've been greeted with today. Sometimes I wonder if things would be better for everyone if I never existed. Would people be happier? would their lives be improved if I wasn't there to be a burden on them? Of course it's probably too late now...I miss the times when my mistakes only effected me...because now it seems every mistake I make hurts someone else and I'm constantly making mistake after mistake. And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for causing problems for everyone else in my misjudgment. Would they be happier if I left? No matter what I do, no matter what choice I make, someone gets hurt or upset...and I hate myself for it. I don't care what happens to me, I care about how others would feel. What other will think...All my insecurities boil down to this: How does my existence affect the lives of others? and it feels like all I do is cause problems...For once I'd like to feel like I've improved someone's life...I don't want to be told I did...I want to FEEL it for myself...at least once...Just once I want to know what it feels like to love myself. "guys like girls who like themselves" I read once. "You can't love a person who can't love themselves" I read somewhere else. Am I really worthy of love? Can I be truly loved? What have I done to be loved? What have I done to earn that love? I grew up being told that no one deserves anything, they have to earn it.  although in some cases I feel like they go hand in hand. Everything has to be earned...So what did I possibly do to earn love?