Sick days

I can't do anything right. I'll just up and say that right now. If I do one thing it's about what I didn't do, if I forget to do something (which I'll admit I do a lot) it's about how i don't do anything. I can't even be sick without someone being cross at me. Some days I want to run away, take a break... I can't do that anymore. I don't have any friends...at least not any I feel comfortable enough with to confide all my thoughts and feelings to and spend a whole day at their house talking about everything with. At least not yet. It's hard... I can't just go up the street to Amanda's and cuddle with my baby Loki anymore while I vent about how I'm feeling. I don't have Nikki who would drive 45 minutes to see me just because I was crying, and would usually result in food and venting. I know I'm a terrible wife. I'm forgetful, I get distracted easily, I procrastinate... but the last few days... I've been in pain, and not just emotionally. I've been in physical pain that feels like my insides are turning themselves inside out and my stomach is being sliced open... but no one knows how much pain I'm in. I want to scream and cry and I just can't. Everyone keeps saying I'm so strong... I'M NOT! I'm a coward who just doesn't let it show how much I'm hurting... some times I can't even show my husband how much pain I'm in. It seems if it's not about my lack of a second job, it's about forgetting to do something, or my lack of emotional stability. Can't I do anything right? I know I'm a forgetful twit. I apologize for that. I know I'm not a healthy person. I'm sorry. But slamming doors isn't going to help. Loud noises aren't going to help because I'm scared. Loud sounds make me flinch, slamming doors makes me freeze up...loud sounds scare me. So right now I am curled up into a ball, wanting to scream in pain, while being sick on top of that... alone... seems to be a pattern lately. Maybe Lexie was right?